I’ve become desensitized. I’ve been traveling the world since the age of 14. I’ve seen poverty, I’ve seen sickness & disease, I’ve seen injustice, I’ve seen hatred and I’ve seen brokenness. But why does it no longer grip my heart the way it used to?
Why do I no longer see that beggar on the street and immediately buy them food?
Why am I hesitant to pick up that small child soaked to the bone in their own urine?
Why don’t I cry when I hear horrific stories of abuse, violence and loss?
Have I allowed my heart to become so hardened to the things and people around me?
Have I not been as intentional as I could be?
Do I really listen to people? Like actually, truly listen to them?
These questions have flooded my mind for the majority of the race. However they’ve been extremely heightened the past two months or so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I am feeling this way and what is causing it. Sadly I don’t have an answer yet so this blog is mainly just sharing where I’m currently at, even if I don’t have the answers. It’s not that nothing affects me because there are definitely days where I just lose it. However it doesn’t seem to be as frequent or to the depth that is used to. I’ve seen a lot of things over the course of the past 10 months. I’ve seen a man having sex with a woman he just purchased for the night. I’ve seen children working all day in the fields when they should be allowed to go to school. I’ve seen a drunk man yelling and hitting his wife in the middle of the street. I’ve seen children as young as 4 years old come up to me on the street and beg for food. I’ve held the hands of children dying in hospitals of curable illnesses. I’ve seen women digging through garbage that I’ve just thrown away to see if there is anything they can salvage. I’ve seen boys as young as 8 years old leave their families to become monks. I’ve seen girls get high in front of me so they can make it through the night of selling their bodies. I’ve heard the cries of a woman who just lost her husband. I could go on and on but I think you understand what I’m getting at. I see all these things and sometimes it affects. Other times if I’m being honest, I don’t even look at the child begging for food. Or I walk past the woman on the street who is laying on cardboard with nowhere else to go. Why? Why do I do this? This is not what we as Christians or even human beings are called to do. The Bible is filled with commands to feed the hungry, care for the orphaned and hungry, etc.
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)
If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:17)
Carry each other burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the way of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
So I’ve been asking the Lord lately for fresh eyes. Might seem silly, but it’s what I need. I want him to give me new eyes to see the people around me the way he sees them. I want to see and experience things as if I’m seeing them for the very first time. I want to look at the people I’m in contact with every day and see them the way the Lord does. I want to feel like love for them. I want to feel his compassion. This is a prayer that I wrote in my journal a few days ago as we prepare to go out into the Red Light District here in the Philippines.
“I have been praying that you would give me fresh eyes for the people around me and the suffering in this world. I’ve become desensitized to so many aspects of this world and I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to be wrecked and shaken to my core. I want my heart to break just as yours breaks. I recognize this is a bold prayer to pray but I believe I can handle it. I am ready for this fight. I am ready for the injustice. I am ready for the brokenness. I am ready for the loneliness. I am ready for the tears. However, I am also ready for the redemption. I am ready for the freedom. I am ready for the joy. I am ready for the change. I am ready for heaven to come down. I am ready for eyes to be opened to you. I am expectant. I am hopeful. I want to see this world through your lenses. Give them to me the moment I am ready. If I am not ready, then I fully trust in your timing. You keep me safe and you are gentle with me. Light is ready to be poured out of me. I am your vessel. Use me here in the Philippines as you see fit. Give me your word, give me knowledge, give me memory. I am here and I am waiting for you to move. Let’s do this thing!”
The more I pray and ask the Lord for fresh eyes, the more he has slowly given them to me. My prayer has been that it would increase tremendously while we are here in the Philippines. We will be going into bars and clubs in the evenings to form relationships with the working girls. We will call them down off the stage, buy them a drink (which is how we are able to secure time with them) and then just be there to listen or talk. We desire to make friendships with them, hear their stories and just pour into their lives in any way the we can. Please pray for us as we begin to form relationships with these women. This is a very dark city with a lot of broken men and woman. We need your prayers as we go out into the bars every night and interact with the women. Pray for fresh eyes and eyes that reflect the love of Christ inside us.
