***This blog contains some explicit content relating to prostitution, sex and pornography.***
I saw you that night. I saw you in a way I wasn’t expecting and a way I wasn’t prepared for. Brokenness written all over your face. Completely numb to all that was around you. Laughing on the outside, but crying hopelessly on the inside. Have I done something that has contributed to your pain? Have I hurt you beyond repair? Do you know that there is hope? Do you know you are loved beyond anything you can even begin to comprehend?
Jaco, Costa Rica is considered to be the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah or the Las Vegas of Costa Rica. Drugs, alcohol, gentlemen’s clubs and prostitution are rampant there. I was shocked by the fact that prostitution is legal in and it’s just a normal way of life. Part of our ministry last month in Jaco was weekly night ministry. We walked through the streets of Jaco, praying for people/the city and searching for women to talk to.
Our first Wednesday night of this ministry, a few girls from my team and I stumbled upon the Cocal, a hotel and casino in the heart of downtown. We knew this was a commonly known place for prostitution and decided to go in and maybe talk to some of the girls. We walked into the lobby and it looked very much like a Las Vegas casino. We walked through an area with slot machines and a bar. We came upon the pool and stood next to the railing. The pool was in the center of the hotel and you could see rooms around the outside and another bar area right next to the pool. I was immediately overwhelmed and shocked by the number of girls that were there and how they were dressed. It didn’t take long for one of the girls to come up to us. She spoke English and began asking why we were there. Now it was probably a hilarious sight. Four white girls with raincoats on, hair a mess, super casual clothes and I’m sure very shocked looks on our faces. Had we known ahead of time that we would go to the Cocal I’m sure we would’ve changed out of our athletic shorts and jeans. Although on the other hand it was probably a good thing that we stuck out so much. As some of my teammates were talking to a few girls, I looked around and observed everything that was going on around me. I glanced to my right and saw an elderly man holding a drink and leaning against the railing. A young woman was pressed against his body, caressing his arm and whispering something into his ear. I glanced across the pool and saw two people having sex through a window. I glanced to my left and behind a glass window I saw a man sitting in front of a slot machine. His eyes gazed into the machine as a young woman handed him a drink. I’ve never seen someone who looked so utterly alone, empty and broken. His eyes looked empty and completely void of all emotion.
This was all starting to become too much for me. I tuned back into the conversations my teammates were having with the girls around me. Almost all of them told us that they were just doing this to pay the bills. It was so matter of fact and they were extremely blunt. It was as if they simply had no other choice to make money. Conversations continued. At one point, one of the girls asked me if I wanted sex or a massage from her. She kept offering and offering, no matter how many times I said no. Another girl was clearly on drugs and was very high at the moment. As quickly as our conversation started, it ended with the girls leaving because they had to go find more drugs for her. As much as I wanted to share Jesus’ love with these girls in our conversations it just really didn’t come up. We mainly listened to their stories, answered their questions of where we’re from, how old we are, what we’re doing here, etc. Many of the girls we talked to were very open with sharing their stories and wanted to get together with us again over the weekend.
As we were about to leave my eyes glanced over again to the man behind the window. As I watched him, it became hard to breathe. I tried to take deep breaths but it became harder and harder. The minute we walked out the doors to make our way home, I lost it. I was so broken for these girls. I was hit like a ton of bricks with overwhelming emotions. The moment we got home I ran into the bathroom and completely lost it. I was experiencing a panic attack that seemed to get worse and worse every passing minute. I was shaking, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop crying and have never felt so out of control of my emotions. I began to wonder if I had somehow contributed to all the pain and desperation these girls were experiencing. Was it somehow my fault? I felt like such a terrible person for doing something that would cause such destruction to another human being.
I’m about to be very raw and vulnerable right now, which is something I really don’t want to do. However, while writing this blog I felt very strongly that God wanted me to be truthful about this experience at the Cocal and why it hit me so deeply. This is a part of me that I’m not proud of. It’s something that I would much prefer to keep hidden, because of my fears of what other people will think of me. However, I’m learning that my fear of man shouldn’t prevent me from sharing the good things that the Lord is doing in my life and the healing that He is allowing me to experience.
Pornography is something that I struggled with for many years growing up. It began early on when I was about 12 years old as a way for me to numb the pain from sadness I was experiencing in my life. Growing up as a pastor’s kid I felt so much pressure to be this perfect little Christian girl. I didn’t feel like I could ever fail at anything, ever do anything wrong or ever make a mistake. I always felt the need to put on a happy face and act like everything was okay, even when it wasn’t. I didn’t feel like I could numb the pain with drugs, alcohol or anything else that could be visibly seen by the people around me. Porn was easy to hide, was not talked about and was something that people would never find out about. I thought it was something I could stop at anytime. I was wrong. As the years went by it turned into something that helped me numb the pain of not feeling loved or wanted by a man. I longed to be in a relationship but it just wasn’t happening. I didn’t feel like I would ever be in a relationship or ever be wanted or loved by a guy. Seasons would come and go in my life where I would find some healing and freedom from it but then something would happen where I would feel unloved or unwanted and I would turn to porn again. I began to accept that this continuous cycle would be something that I would forever be trapped in.
That Wednesday evening in Jaco, Costa Rica changed my life. I felt like the most disgusting person in the world for struggling with porn. I felt that by watching it, that I was allowing these girls to be hurt and that I was the one hurting them. Seeing the girls in the Cocal, talking with them, and hearing their stories made porn so much more real to me. I think before that evening, it just didn’t seem real. It didn’t fully click for me that the girls I was watching through a screen were real human beings just like me. But now they were standing in front of me. They were looking into my eyes, talking to me and offering me sex. I was utterly broken. The Lord allowed me to get to a place of such brokenness that I never thought I would experience. He allowed me to see these girls through His eyes and feel freedom like I’ve never felt before. I am able to walk in His grace and forgiveness in a way I never thought would be possible. I no longer feel alone in my sin and shame. I know that I am still loved. I know that I no longer have to live in shame. I know that there is nothing too big for God to forgive. I know that Jesus is not ashamed of me and I know that He finds joy in me and loves me to no end.
In the midst of this vulnerability there are fears of what people will think of me now and if their thoughts about me will change. As much as I don’t want that to happen, I know that sharing my story is so much more important than my fears of being accepted. I’ve seen the Lord use my struggles with pornography to help young girls and women realize they are not alone in this. Women of all ages need to know that this is a big issue that so many of us struggle with. Society portrays pornography as something that only men struggle with but that is not the case! It is so much more common among women than you think! If this is something that you struggle with and you’ve never talked about it before, please find someone to talk to. I promise that you are not alone!
“I am writing to you who are God’s children because YOUR SINS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN through Jesus. I am writing to you who are mature in the faith because you know Christ, who existed from the beginning. I am writing to you who are young in the faith because YOU HAVE WON YOUR BATTLE with the evil one.” -1 John 2:12-13
There is nothing too big for God to forgive! He is waiting for you to come to Him and is waiting to help you win your battles. I’ve experienced this firsthand and it’s such a beautiful, freeing process. When we accept God’s grace and forgiveness, we’re freed from our past. Flawed but fiercely loved, we have no reason to be ashamed of ourselves.
