I just finished reading the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. In the final chapter, Shauna encourages her readers to tell their story. To tell their story in length, in snippets, the beautiful, the ugly, the long and the short, but to just get their story out. Because like Shauna said,
“When we, any of us who have been transformed by Christ, tell our own stories, we’re telling the story of who God is…The story God has written in your life and your home gives voice and breath and arms and legs to the gospel every bit as much as a church sermon ever did. Preaching is important, certainly, but it can’t be the only way we allow God’s story to be told in our midst.”
I love how our life and our story is not about us, it’s a continuous story about God and redemption and by telling the story of our lives we are sharing about God. And I’m all about that. Not to mention I LOVE telling stories. Friends from back home call me “the storyteller” because I’ve got a story for everything.
This time I want to tell you about my own bittersweet story. One of the handful of “stories” that I use when I have to give a testimony on The Race (in a 3-5 minute nutshell). One that still stands out as the most difficult time in my life. This bitter season I went through ended in the sweetness of God’s peace, forgiveness, and a better life than I ever could have imagined.
During my Jr. and Sr. years of college, I lost 3 of my closest, bestest friends within a 12 month period. Ali, Sarah, and Jeff.
Ali had been my person, my other half, since Sr. year of high school all the way up until Jr. year in college. We did everything together. Ali and Allison. Without going into detail, things were rough the last year. The relationship became unhealthy and after a tense and difficult exchange on the phone, the friendship ended. Just like that. While I made amends a month later through a letter of closure, I still have not seen or spoken to her once since that dreadful night in February. The loss of a friendship, no matter the reason, is always difficult and the memories associated with every place, every crazy car ride, every inside joke painfully lingered for months after it ended.
Sarah was my best friend. The kind of friend you have since you were 4 years old, grew up together, did everything together, who naturally has been dubbed the Maid of Honor in each others weddings, who you can go months and months without talking or seeing each other and when you’re together again you pick right back up where you left off, as if no time had passed at all. She was there for me through thick and thin and I can’t think of anyone being a closer, better friend.
Sarah suffered from chronic migraines from about 9th grade on. She visited every doctor and hospital and tried every medicine, diet, lifestyle, and therapy to cease the migraines all to no avail. These debilitated Sarah greatly and put a strain on our friendship the last few years and when I entered college we slowly grew apart. Her not being there for me really hurt, and while God brought Ali into my life during the season when Sarah couldn’t be there, I was still bitter at the distance and the unanswered “healing” prayers I shot up to God daily on her behalf. Through a series of conversations, forgiveness, and reconciliation over a few months time, (which is a whole other story in and of itself) Sarah and I’s relationship was repaired and brought full-circle just in time.
One Saturday morning in October my Sr. year, I got the call that Sarah had unexpectedly passed away. The Lord chose to answer my prayers of healing by “bringing her home” instead of through a miracle. At the time I was angry at God and absolutely devastated. From now on with every happy occasion, good news, life event, and all those “can you believe this about so-and-so” moments, there will always be a phone call missing to my best friend. Now I know and continue to trust that God allowed all this to happen according to His perfect will because others have come to know Him through the pain of her passing. And even better, Sarah is forever pain free and ETERNALLY hanging out with Jesus, worshiping Him in the glory of heaven with the angels, singing and dancing.
Jeff was (also) my very best friend. I’m pretty sure we met like 2 weeks into freshman year of college and we were inseparable ever since. We instantly clicked and were the best of friends, doing everything together. In the beginning it was never, never a romantic relationship even though all our mutual friends said, “you guys are gonna get married! I can see you guys dating!” The thought had never once crossed my mind; that’s just weird. Well, fast-forward a couple years and a couple awkward situations, God changed both of our hearts somehow and we started dating at the end of our sophomore year. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He had grown into a Godly, respectable, hard working, and in my eyes, attractive man. He taught me about forgiveness and communication, and strengthened my relationship with The Lord the longer we were together. He was the man of my dreams.
The relationship grew serious and thoughts and talks of marriage were always on the plate. It was exciting. And where I’m from, if you’re not in a relationship or married about the time you graduate college, you’ve done something wrong. So to the people around me, we were right on track. It was our Sr. year and we were both in love and talking about our futures and what God had for us together and I couldn’t have been happier. I was ready. The ring shopping had taken place and we were ready to graduate, get jobs (oh yeah, and money), get married, and get our life started.
But during Christmas break our Sr. year, our relationship took a drastic turn for the worse. Very suddenly, things were looking down and a break-up was on the horizon. I will never forget that “lovely” Christmas break because it was the worst Christmas and worst time of my life. A week or so before returning back to school for our last semester, the break-up was final. I had never been so absolutely devastated and heart-broken in my entire life. “So this is what it feels like”, I thought.
That last semester of college was really, really rough. The 3 people who had played a pivotal role in my life were now gone. I felt like I had no friends, no one who really understood me, and I was finishing out the hardest and most rewarding part of my life thus far without any of them.
“God what are you doing!?” I thought. “I have no friends. I’m miserable. I can’t stop crying. And now all my future plans I have been dreaming about for months are completely turned upside down and thrown out the window. I have no idea what I’m going to do now. No vision for what my future now holds. And no one walking into it with me.”
Thankfully, God brought an army of other friends and supporters into my life who let me cry on their shoulder (literally, and more times than I can count), counseled me, gave me advice, and most importantly, prayed with me. They pointed me toward Christ and assured me that even though it didn’t feel like it right now, this season would end, the tears would stop, and I would get through this to find beauty once again.
I trusted in God’s Word and His promises when no one else’s seemed real. He was all I had. After many, many angry and desperate prayers, I found the root to my severe pain and was able to surrender it to Him and allow the true healing to begin. It was a pretty miserable few months, to say the least. But through that time I will also attest that I have never experienced such sweet and genuine joy in the Lord. The kind that says, “May the God of Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with Hope by the Power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom. 15:13)” and “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6)”. I had that joy, hope, and trust, even when I couldn’t see a foot in front of me.
God has brought complete healing, forgiveness, and restoration to my heart from these losses. In the remainder of my Sr. year, God gave me exactly what I needed to heal- busyness and 2 new beautiful girls who I now call my best friends. I don’t know what I’d done without them.
Also, let’s not forget to mention this awesome little detail. Had it not been for God taking away “my” vision for a future and plans with this man, I never would have moved to Florida, worked my dream job, and then had the freedom to give up my normal, American life to travel the world for 11 months sharing God’s story. Alright, that’s pretty sweet, right? God ALWAYS has a better plan for us than we do for ourselves. And I’m so glad I decided to trust in Him. Thanks God : )
“Tell your story. Don’t allow the story of God, the sacred transforming story of what God does in a human heart to become flat and lifeless. If we choose silence, if we allow the gospel to be told only on Sunday, only in sanctuaries, only by approved and educated professionals, that life-changing story will lose its ability to change lives.” –Bittersweet
