My attention has been diverted. My heart has been wayward. My motivations have been selfish. My focus and motivation had been lost.
I'm at the point in my pre-race endeavors that is making me realize that this whole process is truly that… a process. It's definitely not as easy as I thought and it's hard. Fundraising has been slow. My passion was fading. And this is not all going to come together overnight. But most of all, my attention has been so diverted by my job and my surroundings that I hadn't even taken the time to really get my focus back on the goal, on God, on what He's called me to do and what I still believe He wants me to do.
I knew something needed to change, and fast.
The Lord laid the Daniel Fast on my heart months ago. I had only fasted once in my life, it was for 3 days, and though I don't think I may have done it right physically, I still got the answers I needed as I sought Him during that time.
I knew I needed to fast again.
So with my calendar in front of me, a list of things to pray for, lots of research under my belt, and many websites tabbed for food and recipe advise, I decided to go with a 10-day Daniel Fast.
Today, I am on my day 10 and "scheduled" last day…. But I feel the Lord wanting me to go longer.
Physically, my body is telling me "Nooooo it's too hard!!! I just want that one piece of cake! Easy dinners! Pizza! Cheap, quick, and easy food!" But the Spirit is telling me "I am not through with you yet. I still have much to teach you. Let Me fill you more. Am I worth more than food? Are you willing to pray hard and pray through?"
It has already been a spiritually and physically rejuvenating experience. The Lord has humbled me, brought me to a test of trust, and challenged me.
During this fast I am praying very specifically over two things. One of which, of course, is the World Race.
I am praying and trying to trust God more with my funds and providing my gear and not have that weigh so heavily on me. I am seeking Him in His Word and through the cleansing of my sinful heart, to give me that world mindset again knowing that what I am doing is strictly for Him, for His kingdom, and to break my heart for those around me and around the world who do not know the love, hope, and freedom found in Jesus Christ.
I want to be broken. Am I ready for that? No. Being broken hurts and it sucks and it lets me not be selfish and makes me feel even more like an outsider. But it is through the toughest trials, hardest storms, and the deepest brokenness in Christ that I have found more joy, love, life, and eyes like my Father.
I love Him and He is worth it.
Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause. As I walk from earth into eternity.
Psalm 37:4-7
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will do this: he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes".
