I have written this blog before, and then deleted it. Then I wrote it again a few months back, but kept it private and didn’t want to publish it. I didn’t want to tell this story. I didn’t want to share my vulnerability with people. A week ago, I still didn’t want to tell it.
During World Race Training Camp, there was a night where we hiked out into the woods to a lake, where we set up camp for the night. Around the fire, people began sharing what God had done, is doing, and will be doing. I shared with them what God had done for me that week (you can read about it in my previous post), but I didn’t say anything about what was eating at me inside. I wanted so badly to share my story with them…but I hesitated. There was even one point where I was about to open my mouth to tell them, but someone else started speaking and I just rejoiced at the lost opportunity. Since that night…it’s been eating me alive. I’ve gained this new family. A family of passionate believers that I will be traveling the world with, and I wasn’t being honest with them. So, here you go Q, and the rest of the world.
“As soon as I heard these words [Jerusalem was destroyed and the people had left God] I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven…O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man.” – Nehemiah 1:4; 11
It was 2009 when I first understood what was happening with Nehemiah. You see, he was a rich man. He was a cupbearer for a King. He was basically royalty, and he hadn’t even lived in Jerusalem. His brother comes to visit him, and Nehemiah asks him how the people of Jerusalem are doing, and his brother replies with news that the city is destroyed and the people have turned away from God.
anguish.
Nehemiah was filled with anguish for the Lord and for His people. It drove him to action. He immediately fell down on his knees and prayed to God, and then asked for favor for when he asks the King if he could leave and go to Jerusalem to lead the people to revival.
I wanted this. I wanted it so bad. I began praying and asking God for a true anguish for His people. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Nearly two years later, I found myself ministering in Bogota, Colombia. One morning I had the privilege to go up on the side of a mountain overlooking this city of nearly 10 million people, many of which did not know the Lord. I started to beg God. “God…if there is a time when you will anguish me, it has to be now. Give me your heart, God! Give me your heart!”
Mount Monserrate – the place where I was baptized with anguish.
It was great at first. I was so grateful. I had such a deep desire and love for people. A desire for them to experience this abundant love that God desires for them to have with Him. Just like Paul in Romans 9:3, I almost wished I could give up my own salvation for the sake of others. Then, it began to overtake me. I didn’t know how to handle it. This deep anguish and desire for God’s people began to depress me. It burdened me. I stopped talking to people. I lost some of my best friends. I was dying inside. It hurt too much. It hurt too much when I began to feel God’s love rejected by people.
Then I asked God to take it back. “God, I don’t want your heart anymore! I don’t want to love people like you love people! Take it away! Take it away!!!”
I felt like I failed. I failed Him. He is so disappointed in me. God doesn’t look at me anymore. He doesn’t love me anymore. Patrick: the man who received God’s heart, and then threw it right back like a dirty rag.
This story doesn’t have an ending. I’m still living it, but for the first time, this last week, I spoke to God about the regret, shame, and guilt left behind from my failure. He responded with His forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation. He reminded me that even Peter, Christ’s best friend, denied Him. God reminded me that even when Peter failed three times, God didn’t. And 50 days later, Peter led thousands to the Lord.
In the midst of my failure, God never fails.
