Over the past 2 years my life has turned upside down and back up again. In 2018 in a short amount of time I lost my anointed car that I have had for 13 years from someone backing into it in a parking lot, I lost my little cottage on a half acre due to mold and my landlords not willing to fix it, I lost my dream job (that the Lord had spoken to me while I was on the WR) due to a Coach that didn’t agree with putting the children’s health first, and I was not accepted into an academic program that the Lord had told me to apply for and told me it would be “my next step of my calling.”
This series of events did open doors for me and I kept hearing the Lord say “upgrade!” I got an awesome deal on a good car, I got to move in with a family that I had previously lived with and filled me with the comfort and peace that I needed at that time. I then got to move into an awesome apartment in Atlanta with a baseball stadium fireworks view, I found a job that was lots of fun and taught me new skills, and I started a new church that was what I needed at the time. But this all took a turn about six months in. Before 2018 was over the new job that I had turned out to be pretty sketchy, I wasn’t connecting with my new roommate, and it was pretty difficult to find new community at my new church or keep in touch with my community where I was living.
So many questions started to arise. Why was I here? Why am I so alone after building so much community? What was all of this for? I thought you brought me here? I know I hear you clearly but I don’t understand why everything is falling apart!
On January 14, 2019 I started a new job that I was sought out for because of my previous academic interview. After my first day I thought “Ok, this is why I interviewed and didn’t get into the program.” It was almost the same exact job that I would’ve gotten coming out of the program without the schooling or going into debt. I was very excited, however, a few months in it took a turn not for the better. I tried to stay positive but there were so many obstacles that started right away that it was hard to stay positive. I was working longer and longer hours, I was working for more providers than the one I was hired for, and the job itself was just not what they told me it would be. I kept pushing through and kept doing the best that I could but everything they kept adding to my “job requirements.” When I felt like I had finally got the hang of it and could handle all the changes I was asked to do one more thing. They kept asking me to do more and more with no pay increase or benefits I was supposed to be a “team member” and not complain. By the middle of 2019 to say it was a struggle would be an understatement. I was getting super frustrated, depressed, and overwhelmed with the constant adding on and changing of my job and felt very used and abused. I started to question if I even heard God say this was “my next step of my calling” because I was not thriving at all.
My life has not been easy and this is not the first time that I have heard the Lord say something and it not turn out how I thought it would but this time it was more extreme in the drastic difference in so many areas of my life. I tried to remember all of my life’s testimonies of His goodness and tried to focus on the Lord’s voice and what He had said to me but it was rough. I pulled out my old journals, listen to my prophetic words that I had recorded, tried to do listening prayer, got a sozo, tried sozoing myself but I just kept feeling like I didn’t know what I was hearing because my circumstances were not what I felt the Lord had spoken to me before. Even though I was upgraded in lots of physical things, car, apartment, job, location I felt very stagnant in my spiritual walk and did not know how this was “my next step of my calling.”
By the end of 2019 I moved again which was not a smooth transition, had a “sit down meeting” with my head bosses that went worse than I could imagine and was basically told I was not doing my job well if I could not handle all of the added on hours and responsibilities, I had to let go of a few relationships that I had finally built because they were not healthy, and I got into another car accident. I didn’t think anything could get worse until the holidays occurred and it was not fun to be around my family and all of the new dynamics that have come about made for a toxic mix of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. The last days of 2019 I was yelled at by one of my leaders, I got sick at work, and ended the last night of 2019 in bed with a panic attack crying out to God asking Him to move like He said He would and to show me where He was in all of this.
When I woke up in 2020 it was not a drastic change but I was determined that this year would not be even close to what last year was. I knew the Lord had talked to me about buying my new car and said “What is your dream car?” and I said “A 2010 RAV4!” and He said “Ok it’s yours.” I was in the shower when we were talking about this and it happened very quickly but I did not put much weight in it. May I remind you that our conversations over the past couple of years have not been the best. Mainly because of me and my frustrations with my circumstance and my prophetic words not turning out to be even close to what I think they should be. With my struggles I learned a lot of lies that felt like were reality because of my circumstances. If I could pinpoint the main lies I learned in 2018-2019 was that “Being obedient causes pain not pleasure”, “What He says gets my hopes up but doesn’t come true”, “I can’t trust what He says cause it doesn’t happen” and “Being radically obedient doesn’t get you far.” I know these are lies from the enemy however, with my life circumstances they felt very real. So to believe I was going to get my dream car by a quick convo in the shower did not seem real. Even though I heard Him immediately say “ok get it!” My circumstances in the past 2 years taught me that I couldn’t trust the voice because it never turns out the way “He says it does”.
The Lord has taught me a lot with this whole car situation. It has definitely brought up many emotional traumas that I didn’t realize I hadn’t walked through and new ones that I needed to realize. It was not fun. Because I didn’t trust right away I looked at so many different cars and barely looked at the 2010 RAV4 because most of them were not in the price range I needed/wanted so I looked at other options. I questioned every option that I looked at and just wanted to get the best deal I didn’t care if I could get my dream car or not. The car searching process was so stressful. It was overwhelming and just frustrating. I was very blessed and the Lord did provide many good people in my life that stepped up and helped me either ride in cars, drive me places, look at cars with me, or just give me good advice on what to do. Even though most of the process I did alone I had good people to help me.
On the first Saturday of the New Year I sat in a 2010 RAV4 and new it was my car. I sat down with the dealer and we talked about prices and it was a perfect fit. I then got all my finances in order and made the appointment to buy the car the next saturday. I had my friend’s dad that was willing to come with me to check the car out to make sure everything looked ok and it was good to go. After we test drove the car it was not up to par with little things. The car had not been washed or detailed, the spare tire was rotted, the battery was carodded, the oil needed to be changed and the transmission fluid was dirty. I was so upset since I was so hopeful that finally a word from the Lord was being fulfilled and everything fell into place to buy the car so quickly! These are basic things that I couldn’t believe were not done and if I would settle I could technically fix on my own but this is a new car to me and I was not going to buy something at that price for me to have to fix things. I sat down and looked at the finance guy and said I would pay less because I have to do all of these things on my own and he said sorry we aren’t going to do that and I said ok and got up and walked away. I didn’t think twice about it because I was not about to buy a new car with these minor details not taken care of. I deserve to drive off the lot with a clean car at least! Even if it’s not a new car it’s new to me and should feel that way. My friend’s dad was awesome and we drove around for 3 hours looking at other cars to see other options but I just kept feeling more and more defeated. I knew that was my car! I heard it, I felt it, and I wanted it! Why did it not happen?
The entire time I was sitting in other cars I knew that the car I walked away from was supposed to be mine but I was not willing to lower my standards just because it was supposed to be mine. I knew I heard the Lord right but I didn’t understand why it all turned out this way. So many confirmation of the lies that I was trying so hard not to believe were being solidified. I tried not to believe that I couldn’t trust the Lord but when your circumstances don’t look like your kingdom reality you have to keep reminding yourself that He is a good good Father and He wants the best for you even if my circumstances don’t look that way that car at that time was not the best for me. That next week the dealership reached out to me and asked me if they fixed the things that I had requested would I still buy the car. We made an agreement and I was able to walk away with the car fixed as requested and at the price we had talked about. I went one last time and was nervous the whole time that they weren’t going to do what they said they would but they did and I finally got my dream car.
This whole process taught me many different things. It was very stressful and felt very long and overwhelming. However the Lord took me on not just a car search journey but He walked through grieving over the losses in the past 2 years, mistrusts and disappointments that I had with people and God, and more than anything He taught me that a prophetic word has to be received with an open mind and sometimes you have to fight for it and not lower my standards for it to come to fruition. If I am honest I am still learning how to process when my circumstances don’t look like my kingdom reality. But with this process I now have another testimony to remember that He is Faithful, He is Good, He Doesn’t want me to Settle, and He does want the best for me.
