As I have been slowly but surely getting acclimated to my new life here in Atlanta there are moments that I think about where I was living or what I was doing just 3 months ago…..
I have done the whole “processing” thing about the world race: read my journals and blogs over, listed out what I learned on the race, grieved the race and the losses I had to let go of, collaged a whole bunch of stuff that I had kept over the year, looked at old pictures, cried over many old notes and photos, thought about specific memories and special days and people that I shared them with over the last year, and I have prayed about it and have cried over missing what feels like a dream…
Last year was probably one of the hardest years of my life! I highly doubt that I would ever want to do the whole year over again. However, I would want to go back into what feels like a dream and live out a few moments and days of it again….
I feel like the world race didn’t even happen because it just seems too unrealistic. There are so many things that happened last year that I still can’t believe happened like: jumping off a bridge, falling in love with Ecuadorian babies, petting a tiger, swimming with sharks, seeing Budapest with my own eyes, getting chocolate covered ice cream and cinnamon coffee with amazing people in my favorite little town of Uzhgorod, having a dinner party for my friends at our own apartment in Uzhgorod, kayaking in KoChang to see the sunrise and sunset, breaking out in evening worship sessions in Chincha and Capetown, smelling and singing into the ocean air on three continents, encountering people from all ethnicities that see in the spiritual realm like I do, going to a Indian engagement party, living life 24/7 with 6-7 other people…. All of these things I feel didn’t really happen even though I know that they did.…..
I really can’t explain how I feel about last year… Still after 4 months of being home and people asking me questions about the trip I sometimes don’t know how to answer them because how do you explain something that feels like you dreamt it all ….
There were so many people that I met, so many lives that I encountered, so many lives that were changed right in front of my eyes, so many faces that are etched into my mind’s eye that I can’t ignore or ever forget…. How do you explain real life experiences that don’t even feel like they really happened anymore?
Don’t get me wrong I know that last year happened. Believe me I know I have the grey hairs and the “life” experience to prove it. However, it almost feels like déjà vu when I try to think about it…
I was present in so many places in so many different situations that I don’t know if I know how to be still and be present here and now … I poured my heart into so many people and places so fast and so deep that I don’t want to do it again. I feel like right now I can take my time here and I don’t have to pour my heart out anymore…. But that’s not really me… I do dive in I do go deep!
If you know me you know that I hated change with a passion. It was something that I struggled with for a long time. However the race definitely taught me how to purge myself of hating change because that was the only consistency that you actually had. You could count on something always changing no matter what the circumstance was. Change actually became my friend instead of my enemy…
So now that I have lived in the same home and slept in the same bed for more than a month now I kinda don’t know how to feel about it… I do feel relieved and a sense of security and safety because I know I can make lasting relationships for longer than 3 weeks now but how long are they really going to last?
I mean I am only doing this program for a year and the people that I am doing “life” with right now are only doing the 4 month track and will be gone in 8 weeks… And then I am here by myself for 3 more months till another group of CGAers get to come in and get all vulnerable and “do life” with and then my program is over and I have to move on again….
I know that I could potentially stay here in Atlanta if I wanted to at the end of the year and keep all of these relationships going that I make. However, I have no idea what God has in store for me next and that isn’t even a solid possibility right now that I can count on. Once again I am relying on the consistency of change and I really don’t like it being my friend….
It’s almost a new revelation of understanding that I have yet to have a constant human relationship in my life besides my family. So many things feel like a dream like they didn’t happen because nothing ever is a constant in my life….
Besides my relationship with Christ and my family nothing in my life has been constant and it won’t be for a while…
The people, my internship, my housemates, my neighbors, my ministries etc. are all constantly changing and I can’t find any stability and structure anywhere around me….
The question that is really going through my head is will I ever have any one in my life that is consistent or will it always feel like a dream because it was there for awhile and then it’s gone?
I have been told so many different times and in different ways that “your life is always filled with people that are coming and going and just enjoy the time that you spend with them”… Umm I don’t even understand these kinds of statements mentally. I mean I get what you’re trying to say but I physically can’t comprehend these statements….
I care too deeply and too easily to just care while you’re here and say it was nice knowing you and then forget about you and move on. I can’t physically do that I have never been able to do that and even being forced to do that on the world race I am realizing I still can’t do that….
I remember everything and everyone! I can’t forget any little detail ever! I remember everything and I guess it all feels like a dream because I can see everything so vivid in my mind’s eye. All of my memories with people, places, colors, sounds, smells, feelings, emotions, etc. I remember ever little detail. It’s a real life that feels like a dream because I can still remember everything that has happened and with whom I did it with in my mind’s eye. I remember the whole race so vivid like it was a dream I had last night. But how can I tell you about it when it doesn’t even feel real anymore…
The last year of my life feels like a Dream…
Was it a Dream???
