I have always know that I am driven by performance. I have dealt with this issue (to a greater or lesser degree) for quite a few years, but little has changed. Upon arrival in Vietnam I was challenged to take a new look at the issue and see if God had anything new to say to me about it. Our ministry opportunities this month are few and far between and the majority of it has to be created on our own. This has left me with more free time that what I have become accustomed. When we arrived in Nha Trang (the city we are spending our month in – also where the pictures are from) I asked God what He wanted me to focus on this month. His answer was that He wanted me to know His heart, not just His goals. He wanted me to spend time with Him, not just do things for Him. I spent the next few weeks trying to spend time with God (only to find that I was still doing for Him – reading scripture, praying, worshiping – which of course there is nothing wrong with it just isn’t what He asked of me). Three days ago I came down with something. I have had a fever, pretty severe body aches, and a headache that just won’t quit. After about 12 hours of the symptoms I was reminded to be joyful in all circumstance and to rejoice in my sufferings (off topic, but sometimes I think Paul might have been some sort of alien). I was trying to rejoice, but my heart wasn’t into it at all. That’s when God’s voice came to me again. He said “Be with me, don’t do for me”. Fortunately for me (and God) I was in too much pain to do much of anything. Instead I just laid there and asked God to show me what He wanted to teach me. That’s when the layers started to peel back and truth began to show through.
I have always been one to perform in an effort to receive validation from those around me. I don’t really care if people are happy, I just want them to think I am capable. This in and of itself is wrong and I knew it, but I never imagined the deeper implications. As God removed that layer and showed me the relationship I had with Him I began to realize the full extent of my sin. I was working to receive God’s love, but also His mercy and His forgiveness. I was minimizing the price that Christ paid on the cross by treating my indebtedness like something that could be repaid, like I could work my way out of the red. If that were true then Christ’s sacrifice was not really needed. This grieved my heart and I was determined to find out the right way to be living. Then God showed me, in a moment of quiet, that He loved me and there was nothing I could do to earn it or destroy it. He showed me He was proud of me, because of my heart not just my work for His kingdom. He showed me that He delighted in me because I was His child. He told me the very thought of me made Him smile (and this while I lay on the bed sick, being about as worthless as a human being can be – from an earthly perspective that is).
What a shift in perspective. Suddenly I discovered I could do work for God and truly leave the results up to Him. If I was validated by who I was in Christ, then nothing I did mattered. The success or failure of my ministry didn’t define me. Whether or not those around me thought I was capable or knowledgeable didn’t matter. All that mattered was that God loved me, that He was proud of me, that He called me His own. Now the challenge is how to stay here and not go back to looking for validation in all the wrong places. I suspect it will take some time and some practice. In hindsight God does work all things together for good (even sickness) and how can I not be joyful in my sickness when I encounter the living God in its midst. (By the way – the fever is gone, at least for the moment, but the headache and bodyaches remain for the time being. Hopefully the fever stays gone)
