A week in to ministry and I sit wondering why my heart isn’t broken with the sights that I’ve seen… I seem to be lacking emotion…there are no tears, no heartbreak, no pain… I see God in everything and am thankful for being here but… Why do I seem to be so unattached from what’s going on around me? I have waited so long for this opportunity and now that it’s here I feel like I’m not in the place I need to be.
Today I stayed back from ministry… Yesterday I didn’t feel amazing and felt so wary that I wasn’t of much use, so I talked it over with my team and decided I needed to have a personal day. A day to spend alone, reflecting, resting, journaling, blogging…
I got the pleasure of hanging out with one of my squad leaders who asked me how I was and what was happening inside… She listened as I poured out my frustrations and discontentment with where I was. As the words were coming from my mouth it was as if they birthed more that would proceed, and as I heard all the thoughts come to life I saw a different picture than what was originally painted in my head. I have been frustrated that we don’t have more to do at the ministry site and feel like we aren’t using the time wisely…that there’s more we should be doing but instead we cut grass and sit around talking. Frustrated that when I see the little kids come around I’m not heartbroken for them and would rather cut grass than play with them. Frustrated that I seem to be emotionless and detached. Between hearing all the words and talking to Kristen I realized that this is probably all a part of the process. I have been trained to always be doing something, to use my time wisely and to always think of better ways to do my daily tasks. …and now, I’m in a place where I must relax and wait for God to do His thing, to know that His timing is the best timing and to remember that I’m here to do this His way. She reminded me that sometimes ministry is coming alongside someone else’s dream to encourage them in it. In this case, we’ve come alongside Elijah who was given a vision for an orphanage & widow’s home. He left his job and family to come from Swaziland to build it, trusting fully that God would provide everything he needed. We came to the site not having any supplies or knowing what we were going to do. When we asked him about his vision he shared everything and said he’d been praying for a group to come to assist in building the structures he needed and God sent us. He was then praying and believing for supplies, as he had nothing of what he needed to build. The day we showed up to the site (after he shared his vision with us) he got a call from his ministry contact/partner in the US stating he was going to be sending him funds to start building. During the waiting period we’ve been cutting grass. This has been when/where the frustrations set in… The funds were coming but we didn’t know when so we continued cutting the grass. We weren’t figuring out dimensions for the kitchen or picking out wall colors for the orphanage…not digging the foundation or even drawing out plans…we were cutting grass. Everything inside has been screaming that we need to do more…we need to use our time better…we need to be planning more! …and there is it, my problem… I need to let go of everything and let God do His thing! I GET to come alongside of Eli and encourange and support him in his ministry! THAT…is a blessing! He's even been bragging on us at his church. …and this is the truth I received on my personal day – Praise Him!
To my supporters – Thank you for your prayers and support! I'd like to ask for prayer for this. It's been a lot harder to break free from the "work mindset" than I thought it was going to. I'm excited to get to walk through yet another process to see more growth…just need some support through it.
Until next time…
I appreciate you all so much and will be posting as much as possible (internet is scarce here).
