We're tenting this month. Our clothes are often strewn this way and that on clothes lines and dinner is cooked over an open fire. The shower is makeshift tarps that offers plenty of coverage, though with it being so cold, I've kept my self cleaning count to the ripe number of three.
I'm borrowing a tent and have been adjusting to its dimensions quite nicely. There's what I like to call the hospitality room in the front of my home that's about 2 feet high and maybe 2 1/2 feet wide, and it's where I leave my trash, dirty clothes and Chacos.
Anyway, at night its super cold. We have dogs that tramp through our camp and ya never know who's out casting some witchcraft voodoo spell over the land so needless to say, I'm not a fan of midnight potty breaks. I decided one night to squat in my hospitality room and take a short call as the Ugandans call it or if your a Swazi, I passed urine. The next morning we were getting ready to go to town for our day off. I had my fancy pants on (or my black linens from Guatemala…my definition of fancy has changed vastly) and I crawled in my tent to grab my purse. But then woopsie! I lost my balance and fell smack dab into my hospitality room! Not an issue usually, but the previous night I had to take a short call and now i was resting in it. I got up, debated what to do and asked my friend if I should change. She told me to turn around and informed me she couldn't see a stain so we grabbed our bags and got on the bus.
Oh this life….
I waved goodbye to him and snuck inside. I don't like goodbyes. They're awkward and I always wanna go with the person. Whoever it is. Is it a fear of missing out? Or maybe I just don't like that achy feeling inside when someone is hurting.
I felt antsy.
I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I had so many questions running through my mind. The main one seemed to be
Why?
Why death?
Why sickness?
Why so many unanswered questions for a generation weened off answers?
It's confusing. And frustrating and annoying.
So these thoughts jostled my heart as I got on the bus. They tore through my mind as we arrived to Manzini and plagued my heart as we browsed through stores.
It wasn't until the bathroom at the mall when it hit me.
That stupid enemy was at it again. He was trying to kill, steal and destroy me and my friends.
Stop. It. Now. satan.
I mean it. Your rousing the strongest angels heavens got and they are coming to our rescue and defense faster than I can pray. We are sitting under an open heaven and the Angels are climbing up and down like women hitting the StairMasters at 5pm. They are getting a workout because all heck has broken loose month 10 in my life, but ill tell ya what- second chances is heavens heart.
Ministering to our bleeding hearts is what the angels majored in. They know how to stop the bleeding and the Spirit of God swoops in and rushes to our aid.
Sometimes the unanswered prayer is the answer. It's not a slap in the face or a shot at our faith, it's an answer that says, "I'm a Big Picture God and if you could see what I see, you'd understand."
Does it insult my pride that I don't always understand? Shoot, if that's what's up, in the name of Jesus I bind and rebuke that pride real quick and I loose grace for everyone!
God does the impossible. I watched Him do it last week when one of my best friends had the onset of cerebral malaria and He miraculously healed her! My God does what He wants because He knows things I can't fathom. Again and again He has worked things out exceedingly and abundantly more than I could have asked or imagined.
Does that mean as we walk through life that we won't encounter loss or pain? Unfortunately no. It's a broken world like you wouldn't believe and crap happens. Death happens. Sickness happens and a ton of other stuff that would make you lose sleep at night.
But as the crap happens there's a desperation that happens to me. There's a longing that overwhelms me to be held by my Abba Daddy. I yearn for Him to sweep in and hold the very heart that beats for Him.
There's an ache that can't be fixed unless He breathes in and takes away the pain. Believe me. I've looked everywhere for the fix. And nothing, I mean nothing, compares to the peace God drops in my lap when I simply ask.
It's funny how each time I've encountered death this year, I've reacted differently. Sometimes I wanna haul outta town and other times I wanna hide under a rock until the storm passes. Sometimes I wanna eat 17 packs of Mentos and other times the thought of food makes me wanna puke.
But each time, sometimes quickly, more often than not, slowly, I find myself back in the throne room, flat on my face asking God to do His thing.
My heart has broken so many times and yet I believe with each break it grows back stronger. Love from my Savior sets me free from the traps of grief.
So keep searching Jesus. Search my heart and reveal ways that I can cling to you more. I want more, Jesus. More of you at any cost.
I love my friends and family so much but I'm still in Swaziland. I'm still thousands of miles apart from people I desperately want to hug. But I'll tell ya what. Knowing that God- the GOD of all mankind is with them not only comforts me, it puts me at ease and releases me of crazy pressure of always wanting and trying to carry it on my own! I've added a couple pounds of cushion this year so I'm stronger than I was but I'm not strong enough to carry it all.
But God is.
Man, He is so strong. And I've watched countless times that as I am weak, as I crumble under the pressure, He comes to my rescue and takes it all so that His strength is glorified.
So as I am weak, as I am in South Africa, as I am falling, I know that I am His. And for that piece of revelation, I say amen!
