Well the good news is…I’m not dying. The bad news is, I have the bugs.
Yep, the Iice have set up camp on my scalp and the little critters are feasting, planting, hatching and having a merry ole time on the playground of my head. They itch like dry skin in the winter and I’m pretty positive I feel them crawling through my hair follicles at this very moment. But alas, I could have something worse, so I’ll take the licey creatures and say thanks Jesus! Besides, if we go to the zoo, the monkeys can pick them out and have a snack 😉 Ok, that was gross. Sorry.
So Malaysia. I don’t know if you’ve heard but we’re here and we pretty much love everything about it. But, it’s fascinating how a couple conversations can wreck a day or how a misperceived glance can ruin a moment. We heard warnings about spirits of division so we’ve been warring against it in Jesus name! But this thing called community is hard. It’s not easy and there are weeks when I just want to yell off this rooftop,
I’m Finished.
A Guy said that about 2000 years ago and it changed the course of our souls forever. When He said It’s Finished, He had every wound, hurt, betrayal and lie tattooed to His face, arms, neck and legs. He was a Man just like you and me and yet nothing like us. When HE said it was finished He meant business and in return, it ricocheted our destinies into greatness. We carry the righteousness of God in Christ inside of us because of what HE did all those years ago. Praise Him. Literally.
Last night, I hit a wall. I was exhausted. I’ve been living with people day in and day out for 150 days. And I’m flat out broke as a joke. Couldnt buy a pair of jeans if I tried and that thought depressed me. There were a series of events that led to this minor meltdown and when I finally reached my perch on the rooftop, I decided I wouldnt come down. I’d just hang out with myself because I was the nicest person I knew (such a lie) and I no longer wanted to talk, process, feedback, or see another human for 26 hours.
Acting like a 5 year old?
Perhaps.
The King of Glory really does come to play when His subjects take a second to kneel before Him. So I found myself on my knees again, so desperate for Him it felt like I’d die if I didnt take a sip of His Water.
Malaysia has been a beautiful birth of shredding off the old self and embracing a new season. Jesus revealed to me that I hadn’t surrendered Althea’s death totally unto Him. Since she died last month, I’ve been terrified to love people, to invest or even give a darn what they are talking about because I’m petrified to get hurt again.
It’s been like walls up Wilma over here in Penang. I’ve been living in the conditional rather than the unconditional state of love that is grounded and rooted in Jesus Christ. I wasn’t allowing the dead to bury their dead and Follow Him.
I was trying to stay in the past, bury things I can’t and carry burdens that arent mine to hold.
I’ve been on this awful emotional rollercoaster of trying to be intentional then falling into a miry pit of darkness. It’s been this weird uncaring, unwanting and undesiring feeling of indifference. It’s scary when complacency begins to feel more normal than never settling for less than God’s Best. I unintentionally set up camp in brokenness instead of embracing this pain and allowing God’s healing to work its caressing touch into my shattered heart.
I’ve grieved before, but obviously I forgot the stages….short term memory loss, I suppose.
Since The Philippines, I’ve been the most brokenhearted of my life yet I haven’t been able to cry. That ticked me off last night too. The list of what was upsetting my selfish little self was at least 3 miles long. But no tears. I even tried to squeeze one out and barely got any liquid. I’ve been in this auto pilot mode of survival. Keeping up with life, trying to learn the ways of a closed country, getting rejected because I’m not a Muslim, eating food that is making me sick as a dog and sweating so much you’d think I’d started menopause 25 years too early just wasnt settling well with my soul.
But amidst this Jesus keeps telling me to feed His sheep to shepherd His flock and all I want to do is scream in my loudest Scream-o voice: HOW
Dear Precious Daughter, whom I love more than anything:
It’s impossible to love well when you choose not to love at all.
Boom.
Earlier I walked away from a conversation because my heart felt like it had been slapped like receiver slaps a quarterback’s butt before a play. It stung. It cut me deeply and my heart grieved. At first I was pissed. I had so many emotions going through my mind that all I wanted to do was curl in a ball and shut the world out.
So I did.
I hopped in my hammock, sweated my butt off for an hour then came up for air. I think it must have looked like I’d been in a warzone because I got some curious glances as I fell onto the concrete. The Mentos wrappers and diet coke bottles were loud as they hit the pavement too. Stress eating, anyone?
But as I was writing last night, Jesus smacked me in the face with a revelation. This hurt, this pain, this rejection I’m feeling…It’s GOOD.
Actually, it’s fantastic.
Because it shows that I still do care. I still do love. I still do want to invest in people. I want to be their little songbird, whispering God’s truths on their way to freedom. I want to love with the overflow of the Holy Spirit moving inside of me. It’s painful to love and I’m still releasing the burn but boy am I relieved. The lies I’ve been believing have got to go now in Jesus name! I am no longer tied to the past or its pain. Let the dead bury their dead and let’s go! We’ve got Kingdom to Spread, people to love and things to rejoice about! The freaking joy comes in the morning and I can’t stand to miss a single second of it!
Let’s go after this world with crazy, zealous love. Who cares if they love us back? Sorry I’m not sorry for loving you. Sorry I want to love the snot right out of you because I like loving and hey satan- sorry you can’t take Jesus love out of me.
There’s a kind of love that Jesus poured all over that stinkin betrayer, Judas’, heart that blows my mind. Jesus knew the dude was going to sell Him out and He still loved him. Still cared. Shoot. Gets me. Humbles me yet there is a peace that passes all sorts of understanding that tells me that I can love like that too because of He who dwells in me! It’s like a living liquid coursing through my veins, replenishing my heart with His love, His strength, His goodness, grace and mercy.
Jesus, I’m yours. Love away! I’m ready for round 6!
