I wrote this blog a few days ago and the blog you are now reading is nothing like the original. The first one was super chirpy. It read something like, "God is great, raising support is a blast, I love life and little children and my dog winked at me so I decided to wink back in case it was some sort of code and oh yeah, did I mention I'm just soo stinkin happy?"
Then IT happened. You know what I'm talking about. -it that typically has an -sh before it…Yep I said it (sorta) Somebody challenged me. Was my love for God just a phase or was it really the core of my being? Please cue confusion. I was frustrated because here I was in my happy little world, earphones in, singing along (note- just because you have headphones does not mean the rest of the world can't hear you) when BAM I got hit with this foggy feeling in my brain and I was mad that I was confused about the question. My boat was rockin and I didn't like it one bit. I'm pretty competitive and settling isnt an option so I started hunting for answers.
Growing up, I'd always had this fear of God that went like this: "God's big and scary and He thinks you're bad news. And man, you stink and you can't ever seem to get all the commandments right and when you get to heaven you're gonna have to hear how bad you were…and you forgot to practice your catechisms…and you've got to stop falling asleep when you pray!"
So, I walked around in this funk, never feeling like I measured up in God's eyes. I felt hopeless and lonely and terrified of the Big Man in the Clouds.
But the more I have learned about God, the more I am sure of this:
GOD.IS.LOVE
God does not just love
God.IS.LOVE
It's His core, His nature, His thing. If you were to cut Him in half, I'd be willing to bet that love would ooze out.
God loved us first. Yes, He wants us to love Him back but He doesn't demand it. If He demanded love then it wouldn't be true love. It'd be a narcissistic view on love and God is nothing like that.
But I am.
Man, I was so convicted. I would never typically post this on Stalkbook:
"Hey everybody! Feeling like a narc today so watch out!!"
But on here I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to lay it out and if you judge me, then so be it. I've never intentionally tried to be narcissistic. Most of us want people to love us a certain way and when they dont measure up we say, to hell with them.
No, people usually don't say it so blatantly, but most of us have said that in some form to someone we've "loved."
Gosh, what would this world be like if we loved with God's kind of love? The kind that never ceased no matter what we did or said or thought? The kind that keeps loving us even when we run or reject or hide from it…
God's love is pure. He doesnt say IF you do this then I will love you…nope it's simply: Love Me back. True love doesn't have manipulation or an agenda.
I failed miserably when I tried to be perfect (uhem there is no such thing) And I failed miserably when I tried to do life on my own…so where's the hope?
Christin, just Love Me back
Ok God, I can definitely love You with my whole heart- and that's all He desires.
The goal of love is simply this: to be loved back.
God's love is so pure and true that He doesn't even demand that we obey Him. (He encourages it! But He doesnt say we're hell bound if we beat to our own drum because its a no strings attached kind of love)
Here's the thing, in the absence of freedom, true love cannot be verified. He gives us the option through our free will of whether or not we want to do the right thing.
He doesn't want our love coming out of obligation.
I want to be obedient to God because I love Him- not because I'm scared and am just being compliant. I mean, I'm getting excited here! What HOPE! I can do this "Love Jesus because He first loved me" stuff.
I've been looking for someone like that my whole life.
You know what else? I failed miserably in my relationships because I was usually coming from the "what can you do for me" mentality. It was never that awe-inspiring, never ending, selfless love that God pours out on us.
Soooo, future husband aka "Hubs" from now on- get excited. God's teaching me how to love with His kind of true love, not the shallow Hollywood crap we see in mags and movies.
So what now?
My hope, my earnest prayer is that I will become invisible. I dont want to be seen. I want God's love to ooze out of me in such a way that its incredible. I want to love Him back with crazy love. I'm so pumped I get to spend a lifetime loving Him back. When two people love each other, they complement the other and become one.
My desire is to be like that with Jesus.
So yeah, this week wasn't the most fun. Even my brother, Connor (age 10) told me at one point I was "setting the tone for a bad mood." Definitely guilty. But I sure did learn alot about God and Love and Forgiveness and I sure have heck of a lot more hope today than I did yesterday and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
So no, this isn't a phase, this is a love that's gonna last a lifetime.
Thank you for your prayers, your incredible words of encouragment, your support and your love.
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
