When I first found out we had to blog, I thought, "No sweat, I love writing and this will definitely not be a problem." Now I'm sitting here, staring at my blank screen and wondering what am I supposed to say? Do I write about what made me decide to go around the world in 11 months? Why I want to get my heart broken ministering to children who witnessed their parents deaths? Do I say I'm not scared but rather counting the days down til I depart? Should I talk about how living by faith that He will provide the financial support is a walk that is surreal and yet so fulfilling? Do I touch on the fact that I'm missing football season? I mean really, what do I say? Over and over I've heard to release my expectations of what this next year will be like. I'm trying. God knows when I'm running the show its a sure fire disaster so I'm totally ok with Him taking over.
I guess more than anything I want perspective. I'm tired of blessing each other's hearts and pretending like there isn't a world decaying all around us. Ruth Myers writes in her book, 31 Days of Praise, that Christ is the one who satisfies my longing soul and fills my hungry soul with goodness. For so many years I never understood that. It was not my reality to lean on Christ for answers. We are the fix-it generation. We all long for authenticity. When you look around at the world today, you will rarely find that. Sadly everyone seems preoccupied in their own worlds of chaos that we miss people crying out for help. I know I've missed the signs on so many of my friends and its such a humbling realization.
God delights to give us the desires of our hearts as we put our delight in Him. Such a simple concept and yet so confounding. The ruler of this world seeks to keep us from that peace. The devil's job is to make us believe that life is just hard and we just need to accept it. But that's simply not true. Sure, just because we are Christians doesnt mean that we are exempt from troubles and heartaches but we have the upper hand. We are so blessed because we have the ability to separate ourselves from our circumstances. God teaches us in His Word how to fight the great fight of faith. How to stop before reacting to situations and how to come out on top. This is not something that is learned overnight but it sure is worth digging into and learning about. It can completely change your life. Meyers also writes, "you alone are my heart's desire…my chief delight…my soul's glory, joy, and crown. Every advantage life can offer is like rubbish compared with the overwhelming gain of knowing You. You are worthy, Lord- worthy to be thanked and praised and worshipped and adored." What an awesome God we have.
I thought about sharing my testimony- what exactly brought me to this point of heading to the mission field. As I sit here and think about it, I realize its not something that can be written in one sitting. It's a life time of valleys and peaks- emotional highs and depths of despair. It's a story I'll weave into my blogs in the coming year. Do I wish I could take back the night spent in jail, breaking up with the love of my life, blacking out from alcohol too many times to count and living in a constant state of anxiety? Sure, wouldnt anyone? But that's life, it's my journey and its shaped me into the person I am today. I wouldnt have designed for my life to go the way it did but the choices I made led me down those roads. Sure there were fantastic days too. Being in my best friends weddings, watching my friends have babies, loving a lot, laughing too hard, working a bunch, meeting incredible, once in a lifetime people and trying to make sense of this mad and crazy world. Through it all God's forgiveness and faithfulness has never left me. He's never forsaken me or said "oops you're just too much of a liability." Nope, everytime I run home to Him, His arms are outstretched and waiting for me. I can't wait to see how He will continue to provide, protect and redeeem my life. Basking in His love for me is not only rewarding, it's crucial to my existence.
Luckily my football team is in a rebuilding stage so hopefully I won't miss a National Championship this season!
Talk soon!
