Whew! Man. I don’t even know how to blog about this. Tonight was rough. Very, very rough.
We had squad worship. It was amazing. The Sprit fell on us and we were in God’s presence. We were worshiping in unity and truth. God is so good. We finished after an hour or so, and then split into girls and guys. Both our female squad leader and our female coach gave their testimonies and encouraged us. They spoke to our hearts and brought us truth. We finished around 10:00, and the room emptied. It was just God and me left.
I journaled. I explored what they had been talking about. I processed with God. I tried to work out what I needed to do to experience full freedom in all areas of my life. I have some deep chains from my past. Some issues that I have never dealt with. I felt like tonight was the time to deal with them.
After journaling, I felt God drawing me close to Him. I went to the cross and fell face down on the floor, at the foot of the cross. I prayed for God to break me of these chains. I brought my struggles to God. I was honest with Him and asked Him to change me.
Instead of dealing with the issues I had journaled out, God took me in a completely different direction.
He revealed to me my deep struggles that were keeping me from wholly devoting all of myself and my control to Him. I prayed for him to take the control from me. He responded with, “Do you trust me?”
I was taken aback. My first thought was, of course I trust you. Hello! Here I am half way around the world, I have given up all that I know and find comfort in. I have given up everything to follow you. His response was, “Are you sure?”
My feeble answer was no. I don’t completely trust God. I have my money in the bank, stored up if I need it. I have extra food hidden away in my backpack if I’m ever in a situation where I need it. I have an excess of clothes. I am self-sufficient and rely on myself. Does that show a life that truly trusts God? Heck no. It shows a life of any other person who believes or doesn’t believe in any other thing.
He called me to give up my comforts. The race has already been doing that, but I still feel safe. I still know I will be taken care of. I don’t need to trust that God will take care of me. He called me to make decisions that will look stupid to the world. He wants my full devotion. He wants my full heart.
It is so difficult and painful to give up what is closest and easiest to you. It’s hard to give up what you find comfort in. I want to challenge you today to identify what you are clinging to. Is it a person? Is it money that you have stored up somewhere? Is it a habit that you fall into when you’re under pressure?
Jesus tells us of a man who stored up for himself food so that he wouldn’t have to worry about the future. His very life was demanded from him that night. What did he have to show for his faithfulness? What did he have to show for his life? To the world, he looked like a man who was profitable, but to God, he was a man of little faith.
Who are you? Which category do you fall into? Is God calling you to give something up? Is He calling you to a closer walk with Him? Ask Him to search your heart and start to wrestle with God. Your life will never be the same.
