Christ Fellowship CityPlace's Good Friday service isn't like any other service during the year. The doors are open from 7-11PM, and people are free to come and go as they like. Once inside, there are trees scattered among Bible verses along a black curtain walkway. Once past the vestibule, different stations are set up. The passion of the Christ is playing in the middle of the stage. And every 40 minutes, the band comes on so we can praise Jesus by lifting our hands in worship. The stations are set up in such a way as to walk you through your sins, what the impact of the sins are in your life and after, and then the process of leaving them at the foot of the cross and remembering what the cross really means. After that, there's a communion station set up and a place where you can leave a cardboard testimony. All that means is that you write down who you were or what you did and how Jesus has changed you. Then, there's a station where you can take a permanent marker and write on a sheet your prayers for people in your life that don't know Jesus. The last station is a map of the 10/40 window and cards of missionaries in those countries that you can pray for.
I walked into that service with walls around my heart. Walls of anxiety and stress, walls of selfishness and pride, walls of unforgiveness and pain. I walked in and asked for the Holy Spirit to break me.
At the station where we remember what the cross really means, there is a video playing with words moving down the page explaining, scientifically, what happened to Jesus as he hung on the cross. It used medical terms to explain the loss of blood and the weight to bear just to be able to breathe. The part that really started to break me was when the video read, after sceintifically proving that this was correct, "He didn't die of suffocation, Jesus died from heart failure. He died of a broken heart."
At this, I cried and prayed and asked Jesus to forgive me. I didn't mean to break your heart. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
He didn't have to love us. He doesn't have to. We are so broken and so selfish and so forgetful of Jesus and what he did for us. He took our place. WE are the sinners, WE deserve the cross. He didn't. But "God so loved the world"…
At the 10/40 station, I was broken again, so I journaled. This is what I wrote:
"For a brief moment I felt like I understood why you died of a broken heart. 40% of the world, 2.8 billion people, have never heard the good news of the Gospel. WHY? What are we doing with our lives? How can we be so selfish that 2000 years after the life of Jesus, there are still 2.8 BILLION poeple who have never heard of the saving name of Jesus?! It makes me sad. It makes me angry. I feel so small. 2.8 billion is a HUGE number. What can I do? I think, "nothing." But I know that's not true. I know that God has a plan and that he's developing and changing and molding me so I can be used for him. So I am ready to go into the world and change lives for HIm. 52 countries are in the 10/40 window and only 7% of Christian missionaries are there. What are we doing? Who are we saving? Ourselves? We don't need the saving. We're already saved. They do. Jesus said that He came to earth because "God so loved the world." Why can't we?"
After journaling that, I cried and prayed and read from James 5:16, "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Hear my prayers. Heal the nations. Send salvation.
After sitting in the comfort and safety of my air conditioned church for a while, I decided to leave and go home. I left the church, walked down the stairs, around the corner towards my car, and then turned around and went back into the church, holding back tears. I went to the side balcony and cried. Then I journaled again:
"But this burden is so big.
I didn't want to leave. I walked through the doors and heard and felt the weight of the world's cry for love. Looking for the one. The person who they think will fill that hole in their heart. They're out there – in their mini skirts and low cut shirts, in their ripped jeans and muscle tees – hoping that tonight is the night that they find that one big love. Overwhelmed by the music, bands, and talk, I had to turn around, away from the world, and back into church. I cried. Hard. I asked why. It's not fair. I'm sorry. I want the man walking by down on the street to know you, and I want her to know your love. I want every business in CityPlace burned down until only You remain. I want our focus to be turned away from ourselves and our selfish desires and placed on you. The one who loves us and is waiting with wide open arms to love us and comfort us and bring us hope. They're out there spending $9 on an ice cream cone. They'll eat it mindlessly and then go out to breakfast tomorrow. What they don't know, or choose to ignore, is that their $9 could have bought food for a person for a whole week. We're so wasteful. We're so stupid. We're so ignorant and selfish. Why does God love us?
What do you want? The life of COMPLETE surrender or the life of the world? You can't have both. You HAVE to choose."
This is my heart. This is my burden. This is my compassion. Here am I, Lord send me.
