It’s seven years later, again. . . and I look back at this blog, this experience, this shift in the fabric of my being and am thankful for where I was, where I’ve come and who I am.
I cherish these words, written by Brittani Dunlap 7 years ago. I adore her heart, her soul, her hunger for life and am inspired by this woman. I am no longer THIS woman.
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I got home from the race in 2011, I married a rather incredible man that I met on the race and two years later I filed for divorce. This does not take away from how great of a man that he is, and while I won’t divulge the awful details, it shattered a bit of both of us on different levels.
I, for the first time, felt what it meant to be ‘hurt’ by the church. I discovered that it is okay to come to the church body broken and battered, bruised and well, a normal human. . . however, if you were a part of the body, active and involved it was unacceptable to ‘become’ broken within the church. I know, now, this was not the intention of those around me nor is it the status quo. It is, however, too often the experience for many Christians. This wound, those lost relationships, and dissolved community wrecked me.
I am not sharing this to stir anger or frustration within any of you or cause a social media war–It is simply the reality and truth in which walked through. Alone. Very, Very, Alone.
My heart for the Lord did not cease to exist, My love for people and culture and experiencing the world burned within me every hour. I began to lean on myself or attach to one other person and suffocate myself or them with my presence.
I have learned so much over the last 7 years. I have experienced a lot over the last 7 years. I would not trade the last 7 years.
The woman in these blogs was exactly who she was supposed to be when she was her.
I had an encounter recently with a stranger that left an impression on my heart and reminded me of majesty. It was timely and thoughtful and delivered to my door, literally. It was the reminder that I needed, the assurance that God never once left my side and the relationships I’ve had over the years in my personal life, as well as my professional life, have been perfectly timed. They have been perfectly intentional and they have created the woman I am today.
I am not back to my ‘Encaptured God Fearing Woman’ days and I am not sure that I’ll ever be. . . The truth is, I believe wholeheartedly in God. I have a heart of service and it’s made of pure gold. I am articulate, I am a mentor and leader. I am empathetic and generous. I am passionate and grateful and worthy. I dream as big as my mind can comprehend. I cry during sad commercials/movies/FB Videos- I am an emotional being. I am Kind and Love the chaos of life around me, and somehow hate the ugliness of it too.
Maybe that is a ‘Proverbs 31’ woman, a ‘God Fearing Woman’. . . maybe it’s not. . . but the less I try to define myself or those around me with buzzwords or catchphrases, the happier I am.
The more transparent and authentic I am about where I fall short, most importantly with myself, the closer I am to who I was created to be and the more authentic my faith has become. That’s what matters….that I am living out my life’s purpose-that I am continually being refined by those I surround myself with and the truth I believe.
At the end of the day, loneliness is loneliness and love is unequivocally what we’re all looking for. A sense of human connection and belonging and wouldn’t it be nice, if the unchanging and constant Love of God shifted the fabric of everyone’s being? Yeah, I think it would be.
So the woman I am today is figuring it out, she’s courageous and sensitive. She’s vulnerable and open. She’s just me, and I am for the first time, ever in my life, okay with exactly who I am.
