Followers,
I do not have the answer to every question. In fact, I often times do not know the answer to most questions. I just wanted to get that out of the way before you read anymore.
Thank you for being patient with me in regards to my blog. I ask you to continue reading in hopes that you may have a chance at a better understanding. My God is a big God. My God is a very big God. My God is a very big and very real God.
I have asked no one to follow my blog, and today, I do not plan on asking anyone to start. I know what the Spirit is doing in my life and I need not an audience to confirm or deny these experiences. However, the Spirit has humbled me yet again by providing me what I know now as an opportunity to share with you my experiences as I experience Him. If the Lord wills it for me to stay alive on this journey to 11 countries in 11 months, I can't promise you that you will read about miracles or watch hundreds of children giving their lives to Christ. But what I can promise is that I will share with you exactly what the Spirit is sharing with me in the best way I can describe. Whether it be in this format you are reading, pictures or videos, I will share. Blogging is new for me, so it may be rough as we begin this journey together.
People who I meet almost always ask me something to the effect of, "Why are you so crazy?"
I've thought about this question since I was a child and I have always had a different answer, depending on what had my attention at the time. However, now that the Spirit has given me a better understanding, I have stopped answering the question all together. It's not that I am trying to be rude, or think that I have something figured out. It's just that when God woke me up, for the first time I felt like I didn't need to answer to the world (1 Thessalonians 5:6). When God woke me up, my self-securities switched from worldly labels to the awareness of the Spirit of Truth (John 17:17). I stopped looking only to the spiritual authorities (pastors, mentors, coaches and family) in my life (Hebrews 13:7) to confirm growth in my spiritual life and I began living a Spirit-filled life (1 Corinthians 4:3-6). I know that I am not the only one who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (1 John 1:7-10). So, how do we communicate this message to those who have never heard, experienced or seen this truth (John 14:7)? How do we "witness" to those who have heard (Matthew 19:21-24), but still go on sleeping (Mark 13:35-37)?
It has been my experience up to this point that if I want people to experience this truth that the Spirit has given me, I must tell them about the obstacles I faced in getting to that truth. I must "James 5:16" myself. So here we go, this one is for you, most excellent Theophilus,
On January 4th, 2012, God woke me up through a pop-up ad on my computer that had a test to determine if one were an alcoholic (1 Corinthians 15:34). It was a Wednesday morning and like every Wednesday morning I was behind my desk at a local Baptist Church in Columbia, SC. I drank four beers that morning to sober me up enough from the night before, so that I could concentrate long enough to write my sermon for that evening. After receiving the highest score on any test I had ever taken, (at any academic level), I was made aware that I had to address my problem with alcohol. I was faced with another life-changing decision. Do what's right and battle the daily consequences with Christ (James 1:14)? or Continue to ignore the one habitual sin that had now isolated me from a personal relationship with myself, others and ultimately God? It's not that I didn't know I had a problem. Or wasn't aware that I was miserable with myself everyday. It's not like I didn't know that the answer was in the Bible I was given and told to read everyday since I can remember. It's that I became so great at fixing everyone else's problems, helping everyone else, and identifying myself as that guy along the way, that I became unaware of the problems in my own life and just how much they were keeping me asleep (Proverbs 23:29-35). It's the fact that I had become so self-focused that I couldn't even hear the Spirit speak. I stopped hearing Him sing through the birds. I stopped feeling His presence through the rays of the sun. I stopped fearing His awe through the storms here in the South. I stopped listening with an attitude of openness and replaced His eternal joy with a habitual sin that made "me" "feel" "happy."
So, I pause to say this to those who really knew me before January 4th, 2012. I have not swallowed a sip of alcohol since the 4th of January 2012 to today. You tell me, what other truth could set me free? My obstacle to truth, my problem, and my sin that was holding me back was alcohol.
You see, the "me" inside of me is: rude, selfish, prideful, boastful, arrogant, a drunkard and a liar, a thief and a manipulator. The "me" is hypocritical, self-righteous and stubborn. But that is not who "I" am. That is not who God created me to be (Psalms 139:14).
While I was sitting on the roof of my house, I was made aware of the moons' reflection from the shadows of the oak trees out front. And I saw God through that. I was keenly aware of the clouds that were blocking my view of the stars as they faded in and out. And I saw God in that. I was made aware of the cool breeze blowing. And I felt God in that. Then, there was a sudden switch, as if I were looking at myself from outside of myself. And I got it. I understood. I had identified myself with every label someone else in the world wanted for me. I had become so attached to the world that I didn't know who in the world I was. In fact, I had become every single label I aspired not to be. But as quickly as I understood my sin, I understood God's grace once more (II Corinthians 12:9). I understood that I don't have to identify with these labels no matter how much the world may hate me (John 15:19). That the world may be wrong (John 14:17). That my dopamine levels do not dictate my joy (Psalm 16:11). That truth is not defined, it's experienced (John 18:38). I realized, I don't have to hook up with a different girl every night to be secure. I don't have to lie to justify my actions. I don't have to steal to be provided for. I don't have to manipulate to persuade. I don't have to be a youth pastor to know how it feels to be used, remembered, wanted, and appreciated by God. His grace is enough.
So I wish I could be like most Christians and tell you, "Now life with me and God is always great." But life is not always great for me. In fact, now that the Spirit is daily making me aware of this "me" who I identified with for 21 years, life is extremely hard. Unlearning everything you have ever been taught, instructed, brainwashed (whatever you want to label, "how you know what you know") is hard to do (Romans 12:2). I have been broken every single day for the past 17 months (I look forward to sharing with you some of these stories as well). But, I am finally here to blog to you all and tell you that IT HAS BEEN WORTH IT. I finally know what peace feels like. I finally have been able to love with an attitude of openness. I hear the birds again. I enjoy taking walks again. I can't sleep in anymore for I know now that just as the Son of God rose from the dead to complete the will of His father, I too, have a chance to do His will for one more day (John 16:33). To me personally, life is not great all the time. But all is well, all the time (Matthew 6:25-34).
I look forward to sharing with you more about the work He has done in my life. I thank you for partnering with me in this journey and I appreciate your donations so that I can go on this trip, but I ask for your prayers so that I may be effective. This blog is not to promote "me," but Christ who has made me alive in Him again.
