Becca's Blog —
During an evening session at Training Camp, the speaker shared with us about Grieving the Seasons of our Lives. The biggest thing that spoke to me was that "Anger is never a primary emotion". At the end of his talk, I found myself sitting there with an awkward uneasiness. He told us to just let it out.
I started going through my "list" of grievances in my life… parent's divorce – check, dad died – check, adopted out of a crazy situation of adultery and drug addiction – check, my twin sister struggling throughout her teen years – check, my own struggles throughout my teen years – check, health problems – check. Nope, I felt pretty good about myself and having handled everything while remaining in one piece. I'd even given the things to God for healing and forgiveness.
As people began to crumble around me, all I wanted to do was disappear. I slipped out the side of the pavillion and into the darkness of the night. I felt uncomfortable. Maybe there was something wrong with me? When I first became a Christian, at the end of my junior year of high school, I was most drawn toward faith because everyone was so open and willing to forgive. I had been able to fully understand grace and forgive people that I had never thought I could. I was free to be myself and was loved unconditionally. On the day I accepted Christ, May 5, 2005, I was given a voice.
So where did things go horribly wrong? (Some of these stories are shortened to protect the identity of individuals)
Many years ago, I got myself deep into sin. I was told lies and convinced that if this sin would ever surface, I would be outcast. When I did finally confront this is, and told the truth about it, I was told "thanks for being honest, but since you have no proof and the other person denies it, we aren't going to do anything about it". That day, I lost a little bit of my voice.
As time went on, I really began to downspiral. So much, that I felt like I was circling the drain. I didn't want anything to do with God. One day, I heard a voice say, "I think I need to try that God thing". We found ourselves face to face, laying on our stomachs, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "So how does this God thing work and what has it done for you?" I began to share my testimony and how God had rescued me. Before I could even finish, she said "Oh man, I want that so bad." That night, she accepted Christ. And I was given a little bit of my voice back.
That spring I applied for a summer missions project. I was accepted. God provided all the money as I support raised. Then I received a phone call. I was too broken to serve others. A missions trip wasn't the place for someone just recovered from depression. It ended up working out for the best, because I met Ty that summer… but it still hurt. Lost a little again.
During summer of 2009, I went out east to work at a camp. I had the summer of my life! During spring of 2010 I was asked to come back and work in the Nature Department. I was so excited to actually be doing more environmental-based learning! About three or so weeks into camp, I was teaching a lesson when one of the directiors asked to speak with me. One thing I remember about that day was that it was absolutely pouring. I was brought up to the director's house and told that it just wasn't working out. I asked what they meant and they couldn't tell me any more. I broke down. I was completely blindsided and had no idea what to think. After awhile, I was asked if I wanted to go to the hospital to say goodbye to the nurse that I had become friends with. When I got there, they pulled up to the back emergency entrance. As I got out of the car, the nurse gave me a hug and then started guiding me toward the hospital, telling me everything would be okay. I got halfway across the parkinglot before I realized that I had been tricked. Apparently the camp had thought I was crazy and wanted to have my evaluated before sending me home. It was the most embarrassing day of my life. The doctor released me immediately, apologized for the circumstances, and said I should get out of there as soon as possible. A van pulled back up to the hospital with all my stuff packed up, and I was headed to the airport within a few hours. I had been erased from a culture of people I trusted, enjoyed, and truly felt part of. My voice was gone.
So as I stood in the shadows, all this grief began to rush back to me. I was so mad. For so long, I've cut myself off from others out of fear of getting hurt. I've projected onto others what I think they're going to think of me. It makes me mad at myself even to admit this, but now I have God's truth to declare over me! As everything started to come into focus, I just let it out. That night, I couldn't let others see my weakness, so I had to stand on the side in the shadows and cry. But I know that in our weakness, Christ's strength is made perfect!
My crazy squad made me stand on a chair a few nights later and shout: "I have a voice and I am worthy to be heard!"
In my journal that night, I wrote:
God!!! I have a voice! I am right in all my relationships. God loves me so much. Beautiful, beautiful, I am beautiful Lord! I am your blessed daughter. I have a powerful voice and speak so much truth into others.
Thank you G-Squad! God has used you HUGE in my life, and will continue to this year. I love you all and am ready to speak TRUTH that God has and will reveal to me into your lives as well.
