I keep telling myself I’m supposed to be strong. How do I expect to make it through next year if I’m not strong? How am I supposed to minister to others if I’m falling apart myself? These were the thoughts running through my head last night as I sobbed on the phone to my mom. Yesterday was a rough day all around, and apparently I needed an emotional release. Between some over-whelming information from three assessments I took for the World Race and then a conference call about support and finances, my mind and heart were on overload.
My mom has agreed to be my accountability partner for this trip, and last night I was really glad to have someone I trust to talk to. I was able to unload on her without feeling judged—mostly for my instability or lack of “strength.” And was able to tap into some of her spiritual wisdom to help and encourage me. I honestly can’t even pin-point what brought me to the emotional point I was at last night, but I will share part of what got me there.
My support came to a stand-still somewhere around three weeks ago. Since that time I sent out the update letter I posted, and have talked to numerous people about my trip. Still, nothing. This past week I received a [mass] e-mail from the AIM (Adventures In Missions) staff stating that if we did not have at least $5000 in our accounts by the end of August, we would be asked to leave with the January team rather than the September team. Furthermore, if we do not currently have $3700 in our account, they would not be able to purchase our ticket to our first destination this week. Receiving that email was rather frustrating, but I am still trusting God through this. I have just hit the $3K marker this week, and couldn’t be happier. With the exception of last night’s meltdown, I really feel at peace about the whole thing. If the support does not come in until later, then I will just assume that God is asking me to go in January.
The thing I said to my mom last night was, “I have been preparing myself for the possibility of not being able to
leave for the World Race until January, but I wasn’t preparing myself for having to
stay here (NJ/PA area) until January.” I think that realizing that that’s a very real possibility had a lot to do with my dramatic reaction last night.
By the end of the conversation I had come to terms with that idea and am okay with it now. Also, I realized that there’s no point in me trying to be strong—especially on my own. Rather, I ought to allow myself to be weak. I was reminded of what Christ says to Paul and how Paul responds:
2 Corinthians 12:9b-10 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
