It started at training camp.
My first impression of her was one I did not like.
Therefore I decided in my heart that I did not like her.
And when we got put on the same team after three months on the Race, I wasn’t happy.
I lived with her for three months.
She was in my life day in and day out.
I had every opportunity to get to know her and love her, to change my hateful opinion of her.
But I didn’t, and now she’s gone.
I can’t describe to you all the things I didn’t like.
But it doesn’t matter. I decided to focus on those things instead of the beauty she possesses.
There are so many things I could have learned from her.
She’s so full of wisdom and servant hood.
When I found out that we had been put on the same team, I dreaded what was to come. I “knew” that it would be hard. Before our team even officially started, I had determined that things were going to be difficult with her. I think that’s where it started. My heart was in the wrong place from the very beginning.
Since I had decided that I didn’t like her, I did nothing to pursue her. I was constantly bothered by things she was “doing wrong” and didn’t give her enough grace. Instead of praising her and encouraging her in the things she did well, I shrugged it off as something she was already supposed to be doing, therefore it didn’t matter much.
She tried so hard to pursue a relationship with me, but I was too blinded by my anger towards her to acknowledge it. It never made true sense why there was so much anger and frustration on my part. It still doesn’t…
On the day she announced that she was going home, she gave a devotional on loving others. During her time on the Race she had rarely felt truly loved. I can honestly say that I had a big part in that, unfortunately. Her devotional was convicting and touching, and in the moments before her announcement I had once and for all decided in my heart that things were going to be different between the two of us. Literally two minutes later we received the news that she was flying out the next night.
“What about my opportunity, God? How am I supposed to pursue her if she’s going home?”
His response?: “You’ve had three months, Toni, and you’ve neglected to take advantage of them.”
Ouch.
So now she’s home, and I’m here, left wondering what the heck I just did and WHY I did it. My heart breaks for the fact that I just missed out on the opportunity to show her love and encouragement when she needed it most. I’m more aware now that too many give up on her too quickly, and I was one of them. She went home partly because of me, and I will never forget that.
How is it that I can be on this trip and NOT love my own team mates? How is it that I can be so selfish to someone I’m supposed to love so much? She NEEDED love, and I failed her; we all failed her.
If she were still here, I would tell her how sorry I am and how I wish I could change things. It’s not just because she’s home now and my opportunity is passed. A few weeks ago at debrief I prayed with her and told her I was trying, that I wanted to renew things between us…but it was already too late. She was already thinking about going home.
All I can do now is love and encourage her from afar, and pray that my selfish, bitter heart doesn’t ruin something that could have been so beautiful months ago. If I had stopped to look at the bigger picture, I would have realized that we are a lot more alike that I’d like to admit, and we could have had a wonderful friendship had things been different.
This relationship has brought out so much sin in my life, and even though it’s been a hard lesson, it’s one I’ve needed desperately to learn for a long time. There’s still a lot of junk down there that needs to be dealt with and abolished.
Christ calls us to love. The first fruit of the Spirit is LOVE. As she taught, everything else stems from that love. If we can’t love our brothers and sisters, the very ones God has placed into our lives, how can we love the ones out on the street? It’s a hard reality I’m facing—and it’s one she taught so well.
Her picture of what love is supposed to look is one I want to implement into my life. Our relationship is one that I want to use to guide me in all other relationships. I screwed up big time on this one. Lesson learned.
My prayer now is that God continues to heal her heart, and that one day we can become friends. I’m truly sorry for my heart. I regret it. She’s the one that I let get away.
