I guess now we begin with what the Lord has brought me through these last few months. Warning: this is going to be real and hard for me because well here is me! Through the struggles and obstacles, I pray that the Lord honors me as I honor Him through this.
When I came home I was mad and confused as all other because I was still like, “why did you call me to this mission trip when you did? I could have had more time with my dad… I could have done this or that.” But here I am with my family again, watching my dad slowly fade.
I would try to run to God, scream out to God on the floor saying, “please wrap your arms around me. Please show me comfort in ways that I can never experience…Please.” But nothing came… God felt far, even though I know His truth says He is near and the truth for me though was that I felt numb…
Coming home I didn’t get time to process what I experienced on the Race or all that the Lord brought me through. I didn’t get time to mourn the loss of my squad and my Race. I suppressed these feelings because I wanted to be with my dad. Every day I would love my dad and spend the moments he was awake with him. But then night time I would run to God trying to figure all this out. I felt so alone in this. And I would write and write and write… and that is when I noticed I would just write what I think I should or would be feeling.
“God, why am I numb? And that is when the temptation of feeling something would come in. Anything. The thought of drinking until I was drunk would come in or sleeping with a guy just to get a feeling of pleasure for just a moment. I praise God that I never caved into these temptations, but I did run back to a sin that I have struggled with for many years, even before the Race.
One thing that I have struggled with in the past is pornography and masturbation. I went to counseling to get a better understanding why I struggle with this specifically. I mean for so many years I believed the lie that something was wrong with me because I was struggling with something that apparently only men struggle with…(which is bull shit… sorry I said would be honest).
Though many months we worked and wrestled with many feelings, I still never received complete freedom from this. For many years I said I would not share this with anyone because I knew I would be judged. Though my time on the Race I may not have watched videos it still didn’t erase the images that have been burned in my mind.
When I was home, when I struggled with these feelings of numbness and of pain knowing I was losing my dad, I ran back to pornography and masturbation. I wanted even for a moment to feel something other than the pain or the numbness I had with God. But that is when I began to feel the condemnation and the failure…
“God I have gone so long with out doing this, and now I that I’m back home, I go back to this abomination…did I not change at all?”
I felt so alone, I felt like a failure. Even though my time with my dad and family was great, I didn’t know how to combine my new world with the old world. Not even just with my family, but my community back home.
Community was something else I was learning because I was away from my community on the Race and the community back home was so different because I have changed. In reality though, I don’t know how I changed because I honestly didn’t feel any different and nobody told me I had changed or that I had grown which put me at this state of feeling numb to get away from the feeling of failure. In this time I would become very angry at people: my family members, my community back home and on the Race.
What’s the point of this community bull shit if people are just going to hurt and break my trust?
“Hey I am always there for you! If you need ANYTHING call me, text me, or message me and I will be there!”
So I took the step to reach out…
Call/ Text/ Message- No one answered and sometimes, most of the time didnt even call back… They are too busy… They are doing something at the moment and cannot be bothered…or they just never respond back. I just wanted to avoid all people, even the few that have been such good friends because the thought of them hurting me made me sick and feel empty. What’s the point in being vulnerable with people and giving them my trust and my heart?
That is when a friend called me up in love and said, “Jesus called us to not play it safe and to take risks.”
Though it hurts, when we take that risk it is allowing people to come in where I am at. Yes, people have and even will continue to fail me, and even I to them. But I have been blessed with those moments where people would reach out to me and love me, people from my squad writing and letting me know they are thinking of me and that are missing me, and even people from my community back home just sitting with me and letting me talk about all that I have gone through and am going through and just give me a hug.
I praise God because I am not perfect, and I praise God that though I do sin, I am not defined by sin because I am His Saint. God is still working in me in these areas that I struggle with and I praise Him for His redemption of things I have overcomed in my past. I no longer have to walk in who I once thought I was and it is exciting how God works. He is refining me more and more.
So during my time back home, I was tempted to think that I was unchanged and didn’t grow from the Race during that season. Being back on the Race, however, has really shown me just how much I have changed in seeing myself and in seeing God. And even the growth of trusting people and showing grace. Am I perfect at this? No and I am tired of allowing Satan to put me in this prison because I’m God’s daughter and I am set free. It is a process that daily I have to walk in and be willing to step out and ask people to come alongside me whether it is to help me fight against the temptation of masturbation, mourning the loss of my dad, or even dealing with the numbness I feel between me and God and His Word. It’s a fight, such a fight, but He is worth it.
God has been and is good during this time, and though it has been hard, especially in moments when God wants me to share things that I was afraid to even talk to one person about. But again I’m tired of shrinking back, and I am ready to walk in the confidence of who I am because I am set free, it has been awesome to see the fruits of living and walking in freedom knowing that people will fail, but God really really will never fail….
Next blog will be about the decision about coming back on the Race 🙂 Thank you all for your prayers and support!!!!
