So here we are again, the final blog of the time back home on the Race.
It was a few days after my dad had passed, and already people began to message me if I was going back on the World Race or not. Not gonna lie that question made me fumed when I heard it.
“Come on people, do you not just understand my dad just passed away a few days ago?”
But I would respond with its a possibility, but I do not believe God would call me back to the Race. I mean who would do that? Then came the day my pastor asked if I had thought about maybe returning on the Race… My first thought was “really? You too?” But I heard him out because he is someone I trust and I know he knows me and knows what’s best for me.
So we talked and I basically said “no” because there is just so much to do, I most likely am not emotionally ready to go back and do a mission trip. But he really encouraged me to pray about it and see where the Lord leads.
So then began the process of God and I wrestling again…
“God you called me to go home and be with my family, now are you calling me to go back and finish the Race?”
Yes there was some excitement but also so much fear and confusion. I mean God has to know how painful it was to leave the Race and basically choose to leave it behind to be with my family. So I messaged Stacy the thoughts of me coming back and then called my friend Misti, who is a fellow Racer who went home because her dad was diagnosised with cancer.
She was an amazing confidant who asked me the hard questions and really challenged me to see and pursue God’s plan in this. And apparently while I was talking with Misti, Stacy was talking with the Squad parents Rynette and Deon, and the Squad Leaders Audra, Colleen, and Doug. The thought of their repponse made my stomach turn because in my mind I feared that they would be angry at the thought of me returning or thinking I was stupid to even return to the Race…
But what a blessing and relief to hear that they all gave me the “go” to come back. They were excited that I was coming back and they all agreed that this would be the best place for me to be…
I was in awe that they said that… I mean satan was really trying to throw every curve ball he could throw at me. Then came the time talking with some of the church leaders of my church.
My pastor and I went up to them and I let them know my thoughts…
“I am afraid to go back because the fear of abandoning my family. I am afraid to go back because my squad and people here will think I am running away from my problems…and I am afraid I will be too much.”
They listened with love and it was so cool to hear their responses.
“We don’t see you as running away from something but running towards something.” “Your mom needs to grieve her own loss and so do you. What you can do for your mom you can do back on the Race.” “The Race is a community that will love you well and it will be a safe environment for you to be in during this time.”
So after recieving their blessing then came the time with my mom. I was afraid to ask not because I felt she would say no, but because I want to be there for her and I felt if I leave I would be abandoning her when she needs me most.
But the conversation arose and she said if I had the means to finish the Race she wouldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to finish it..So I asked if she would be okay with it, which she said she was, and I do believe she said yes because of the same reason my dad wanted me to stay… because it was something that made me happy. I knew it was not easy thing for her to do, but she let me go because she loves me.
So everything was giving me the go, and it started to become crazy. I was finding out who was on my team and I was finding out flight info and then asking for support which people gave and it was awesome how the Lord provided all that I needed for the ticket.
This was all surreal and it was exhausting, packing for the Race and the idea of travel days made my heart turn alittle. But I finally started to become excited that I was returning. Though I was still going through pain I was excited because I was praising God that I am not running awy from nything, but I am running towards something and I was running towards Him.
So traveling elt like it took forever and it was amazing to see people give them that hug that I wanted for so long. People that I thought I would never see again. People that I regreted not having conversations with, and people that I missed like crazy because this group was so much more than a group of people that I came to know and love, but they are my family, and they love me and they are protective of me.
So it is crazy coming back and seeing that God did call me on a 11 month mission trip, it was just that He called to a different place during a different time. Was it worth it, yes! And though some days I do not understand how all this happened, I can not help but trust and see that this is exactly where He wants me to be.
Next blog will be about something all the things going on here in Romania! Thank for your prayers and support during this time, and I will ask please continue to pray for me because I am still trying to go through this thing we call a grieving process…
Much Love,
Stephie Renee
