This has to be one of the hardest blogs I have ever written, but this journey is more than I could ever have imagined or ever have asked for. Joining the Race you enter in excited and pumped for all that God has in stored for you, but then comes news that just changes the game…
Sunday- “your dad is in the hospital.”
Monday-“Hey they found tumors.”
Tuesday- “hey they are malignant.”
Wednesday- “Your dad has 4-11 months.”
Thursday-” Hey if surgery does not go well, he has a couple of weeks…”
What the Hell? Everytime I would tell myself it is okay, it is all okay. But everyday something else was added to this plate of confusion. And my emotions would be even greater.
I feel so confused God, have I done something wrong…I feel angry and I do not know why. I just want to cry, but I feel I need to stay strong for my team. Time is of the essence. They need to be serving the Lord with His people not letting me cry on their shoulders, I can cry by myself, it is not hard for me. But as soon as people see you crying and the tears coming it is hard. It is hard to believe that they are listening because they truly care about me, and not because it is their duty or an obligation. And even when I keep putting a wall because I am scared they fight to tear it down because they love me and truly want to be there for however they can…
I am only 24 years old, my dad was going to walk me down the aisle when I got married, and he was going to see my kids, go to their games and be coach grandpa like he has coached me for so many years… but now there is a time limit.4-11 months….
My body still has not fully adjusted to this, and after praying and asking God what I should do because my dad wants me to stay, but I can not do it…
Prayer after prayer after prayer of asking God please show me clarity, I do not want to jump the gun on this, but I am confused why did you call me to a 11 month mission trip just to send me home after month 7, what if I am doing something wrong? What will people say or think? So I asked God please…please give me peace and clarity…
That night I wanted sleep so I took some sleeping pills which worked for sure, for the first time in 4 nights I slept for 7 hours, and when I woke up I remembered a conversation about the parable of the talents.
“I have called you to be faithful with what I have given you, now I am ready to give you this because you have shown yourself worthy and faithful to what I have given you.”
So I was like okay God I understand that, but how have I changed or how have I grown…what have I been faithful to…
” You left for the WORLD RACE with fears of doubts of failing and people telling you it was stupid for what you are doing. But you remained faithful to what I have called you. In South Africa I showed you my Word and how it is truly living and active and that I am with you, Swaziland you stepped out in faith to trust that the Words about who I am to walk and live in that even when you did not feel it real, India you grew to understand that you do hear my voice and your voice does have power. In Nepal you learned to rely on my strength and not that of your own and that you are worthy of love. Thailand you fought to see that you are my daughter made in my image…beautifully and wonderfully made, and Cambodia you have grown to be faithful to what I have called you, whether it was small or big…And now you are ready for this next journey, not part of the World Race, but part of the Race of life…
Fight the good fight, Keep the faith , finish the Race….
So not many people know but after much prayer I have decided to come home and be with my family these next few months or weeks depending how this surgery went. So I either will be home in a couple days or at the end of the month, it all really relies on what is going on with this surgery. At the moment I am emotionally and physically tired, but I do believe peace will come when this news comes in. But it is hard, it is hard on my team, even though they say it is not a burden to them, it is hard for me to recieve that, but they continue to remain faithful, holding me when I am crying or even listening to me word vomit process what is going on… they care for me, and they care for me because they love me…
God knew that I would be here during this time, during these events, with these people because He is a good and faithful God. And I have been truly blessed with an amazing team to love on me even when I get angry and frustrated with all these emotions. I know this is a lot, but be in prayer for my family and I during this time. This week has been a week of hell, but God was and will continue to be so faithful and good.
Thank you all for your prayers and your love, and thank you for supporting me on this mission trip and during this season of life…
