After training camp one thing that I have been understanding about myself is it is hard for me to vulnerable. I was actually confused by this reality because I was like, “no, I am honest with people about how I am feeling, I’ve cried in front of people before…I am vulnerable.”
That is when Papa laid it on my heart, “I am calling you to be vulnerable.”
Did I miss the definition?
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon
2.open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.
3. open to assault; difficult to defend
Two words that stand out to me is “open” and “susceptible.” I have been pretty hurt in the past, and I cognitively tell you what I am feeling, but to truly express it was a different subject. I guess for so long I have had this guard because being vulnerable hurts. I am use to being tough like one of the guys, but being very empathetic like most girls.
But when your heart is hard, it is protected, people can not come in hurt it, manipulate it, or even abuse it. You can go through life and live, and not feel the true pain of your heart getting into things, but is that really living?
At training camp, it was hard because some of the stuff we talked about and opened up about was deep, and I was strong until the tears started coming. The people in that circle saw as I fought back the tears. Then mother Rynette held my hand and said,”it’s okay.”
In my mind all I could say was no it is not okay, what does crying do, what does opening this wound do? Here we are in a group of all girls, and just as I expected, we going to talk about our feelings and people will cry. I feel what they feel, but I will not cry. I need to be strong…
I need to be strong...when did crying become a form of weakness? That night I was talking with Papa- God and He showed an image of a heart that was harden, and slowly I saw it become soften and tender… it was beautiful.
After I saw that image, I felt freedom. I felt freedom of my pride of my own strength, and freedom that in time He will soften my heart to what He has called it to be. Then one of the leaders spoke over me and said:
“People have a natural tendency to come to you as a leader and they see your strength, but do not rely on your own strength. Be vulnerable with your team and most importantly be vulnerable with God.”
Even with God I have been holding back because I have been holding onto my own strength, in my strength I can get it done..I can do something to fix it. But in this season, He is asking me to give it ALL to Him… Trust Him with the fundraising, finances, friends, family, and even my heart.
This season of life is going to be crazy, but I am very excited for this reconstruction the Lord is going to be doing on my heart…<3
Take Heart,
Stephie Johnson
#PursueGod #LoveOthers #ServeTheWorld
