This month God has done a lot of work in my heart. I thought leaving last month we had worked many things out, but it turns out there were a few loose strings that He still needed to pull.
I learned that living in a community was hard. Sharing a room with five other women where there is only one bathroom and our own definitions of clean. Having many people talk over each other because each of us think we have the next best idea. So many different personalities trying their best to mesh well with each other and not many moments where there is time to yourself without someone asking you, “how are you feeling?”
The biggest challenge I am having with community however is me.
I learned that I still was trying to control certain aspects of my life. I thought that when I decided to surrender to Him I didn’t have to let go of things that didn’t involve me. Boy was I wrong. I learned very quickly that aspects like my family controlled a lot more of my life than I even realized. When people are sharing stories of their families or favorite birthday parties I shut down. I never had many birthday parties growing up and I learned the stories I find normal are in fact not very normal. I began to become afraid to share any stories with anyone for fear of being looked at differently.
Shame started creeping in. I felt ashamed that I didn’t have many stories that didn’t involve drugs, alcohol, or someone getting arrested. I started getting angry at my family, thinking why couldn’t we be normal like the other peoples families around me. Then felt shame again for ever thinking the way about my family.
I was letting the actions of others closest to me affect me down to my core. It was blocking my view of all the beautiful things God was trying to show me. As much as I was trying to enjoy and pour into this ministry around me, my vision was blurry from the mess back at home.
For so long I have tried to be strong and plaster this smile on my face for the things that happen to those around me. All the pain they feel I take on myself also. Since I was little I had the need to fix things and my family is something I cant fix. My story and background is so far different than anyone else I have met on the race. I am learning that my life will never look like those around me and I need to lean on God when I feel least worth it. Because no matter what I have been through, I am enough, my story isn’t too much, and it is going to be used to help many people.
As I said goodbye to the children yesterday, sobbing, I reflected back how much joy this month brought me. I started running, which is a miracle in itself, I learned to love more than I thought possible, and I slowly became more comfortable in front of a classroom. Daddy Johnbull was one of the most wonderful men I have ever met. He showed me not only how to love the way God does, but also to appreciate every single thing around me. I have never seen a man get so excited over a rainbow before! Made me want to be just as excited about all of Gods creations.
Heading into Nepal, I am looking forward to what God is going to show me. As sad as I am leaving ministry this month and as much as I cant wait to go back, God has so many more opportunities for me in the journey ahead. I will look at each ministry with new eyes and embrace the love that each of them pour out.
This next month I will also be focusing on me and God. I will be disconnected from everyone outside of Nepal. That means no blogs, no phone calls or picture updates. I think on the race it is important to find the things most important in life and God is more important. I need to lean into Him more than ever this next month and need to make a few sacrifices along the way.
“And the God of all grace, who called you his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
1 Peter 5:10
I am called… God has plans for me, I just need to be willing to listen.
