Usually these kinds of dreams are God telling 
me something. Unfortunately, dreams can often be a little hard to interpret. The most recent dream took place in the middle of a lake, on a skype conference call with my spiritual mentor. In the dream he was yelling at me because I wasn’t doing something I was supposed to be doing, but I was so confused that I didn’t even know what it was I was supposed to do. Now let me tell you something about my mentor, he is one of most graceful people I have ever met, and I have never heard him yell out of anger. That is probably what struck me the most. What was so imperative that I do that would make him yell at me?
After much processing and feedback, it clicked: I wasn’t “choosing in.”
I realized that although I have been in Gainesville now for three and a half months, I have been standing here with one foot out the door, ready to bail at the slightest hint of failure, mistrust, or impending doom.
First, in the photography school. It’s hard starting something from the ground up, and not having any experience in anything like this makes me hesitant to commit fearing failure. The thing is, it’s through mistakes and failures that I learn, just like Thomas Edison. What’s the saying? He didn’t fail thousands of times when trying to invent the light bulb, he just found thousands of ways NOT to invent the light bulb. The point is, if I don’t try, then I won’t fail, and I won’t learn and I’ll spend my life in a state of fear, and that’s not what God wants.
Second, with community. One of the reasons I’m in Gainesville is to be with this awesome community. But that scares the bageezies out of me. Why? I really dislike being vulnerable. Even though I spent a year with many of these people my life experiences tell me to not trust people. I have been working on for years now, and believe me, I’ve gotten a lot better, but it’s still a huge work in process.
Lastly, settling in. This includes all the other odds and ins that make life here permanent. When I first arrived, I found a soccer team, but that was about all I did to adjust to this new life. I haven’t found a church; I was supposed to get a part time job to help pay for student loans-haven’t done that, and I’m still very attached to my life back in Austin, ready for the day God says I can move back.
To be honest, I don’t know what it really looks like to “choose in”. I know the first step is to have a yes in my heart, so that’s where I’ll start. Gainesville is my home, and I’m walking completely through this door, both feet in.
