Wow! Amazing!
A little Crazy, Wacky, sometimes Strange.
Odd (this includes the people as well as the activities). Frustrating. Demanding. Tiring. All too much at times, but still not enough (I could have stayed for ten more days).
Homesick with a lot of Harmony. Honesty from myself and others. True Love for and from my new Family.
I could never sum up training camp in one word. Ten days in the backwoods of Gainesville, Georgia can never be fully explained. If I am being honest I am still processing my thoughts, struggles, emotions and everything I learned.
The past four days since returning home I have consumed EVERYTHING in my kitchen! Will never have taken enough long HOT HOT HOT showers to remove the feeling after not showering for days. Surprisingly only had one pumpkin spice latte. Watched too many episodes of Gilmore Girls while laying on the couch funneling DayQuil down my throat. (Luckily I wasn’t sick during camp only when I return does my roommate welcome me home with a cold). I have also cuddled and hugged on my cat Louis way too much, if that is even possible.
But most importantly I have begun my attempt to unpack all the glorious and endless information I stored in my notepad. (Unfortunately this notepad smells of sunscreen due to an accident in my daypack). Pages upon pages of notes I am still processing. This notepad could take up to weeks for me to fully process and take in everything I experienced. I don’t want to miss one thing. The good and the bad is all worth mediating on.
First off I want to explain to everyone exactly what I expected of training camp and what actually happened. Going in Adventures in Missions (AIM) pushes us to have no expectations. But I have always been a planner to the point where I can be a little bit “controlling”. I researched AIM’s website and other racers blogs while soaking up every piece of information I could to prepare myself for the unknown.
I thought I was prepared before camp in this picture. Ha!!! Little did I know what was ahead.
I will just say for future racers that there is NO PREPARING FOR WHAT IS TO COME! You will experience family like never before.
This is my team “mean muggin” before squad wars. Go C-Squad!
You can pack, pray and prepare like the apocalypse is coming and you still won’t be ready. Trust me, I am not easily surprised but they did it!
I realize I may be going on and on about this experience and not actually explaining what happened. I truly can’t even begin to comprehend what I experienced at this place. It may take a few blogs to explain everything AIM brought out of me as well as taught me. But I will begin by expressing one word. Shameless.
The dictionary defines shame as the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, disgraceful, regretful, ignominy or ashamed. AIM describes shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
When I heard these words I was, well flabbergasted. Had AIM somehow learned how to read my thoughts? Did the Lord step down from His throne in Heaven to express to AIM what had been going on in my head? How did these people know and understand my thoughts and struggles?
For so long I have struggled with feeling unworthy. Ashamed of my past and present actions I wasn’t willing to see God’s love and amazing grace He created and gifted just to free me. Sin drove my actions, my words, my feelings and my life. Until this downward spiral pushed me to the deepest, darkest places of my heart and mind. To the point where I wouldn’t allow myself to truly think or feel anything. To the point where I could no longer see my sin. It became a part of me I couldn’t live without. Essentially I was living life like a zombie.
If we aren’t aware of our sin we can’t deal with it. And this is exactly where the devil wanted me. Wallowing in self pity, self destruction and isolation. I was focused on who I use to be and who I could be again but only in a life where I could keep my sin hidden. I was too prideful to ask for help. Even when I was surrounded by people who loved me I wouldn’t reach out for help. Shame is rooted in pride and I was blind to it. Shame produces death and that was the direction my life was in. Until I found guilt.
2 Corinthians 7:10 For sadness as intended by God produces repentance that leads to salvation, leaving no regret, but worldly sadness brings about death.
Guilt is a connector to the Lord, a gateway to the throne room. Guilt is a spiritual connector between you and Him. The Spirit uses guilt as a tool to get you in front of the Lord to receive His grace. Grace! I never truly understood grace until now. Grace is freedom for the oppressed, a crown of beauty instead of ashes, a garment of praise, freely given and undeserved.
Romans 11:6 If it is by grace, it is no longer by works, otherwise grace would no longer be grace.
He gave it freely. And I am so thankful for that. This is what I began meditating on during camp. It brought up many emotions and feelings for about one day. Then I realized I am free. I no longer have to think about it. I am living in grace. I can live my life like the Samaritan Woman. Her life filled with sin, heart filled with regret and yet she leaves all of it behind to tell of His amazing grace. He saved her life with one conversation and put her trust and faith in Him.
This was our after shot when arriving home. C-Squad still “mean muggin” back in South Carolina! Adventures in Missions taught us well.
What a wonderful life, what amazing grace. How blessed I am. Training camp was fun, challenging and so freeing. I can’t wait to share with you guys about everything I learned. Thank you for your love and support, I would not be here if it was not for you. I love you all!
