I've been off the field six weeks. Today, for the first time, I understand what other WR alumni mean when they say, "the Race is not real life". I've understood for a while that traveling around the globe holding malnourished babies every day is not real life. The revelation I received today, however, is a deeper, harder understanding to grasp.
Yes, the World Race changed me forever. Yes, I am the same person I was when I left. WHAT?
How can I be a completely new creation, beautiful and obedient and wrecked for Jesus, and still be exactly the same screw up I was last year?
Surprise, Robin, you are not perfect.
I'm terribly messy, spend too much money, and I'm consistently late for everything. Coffee makes up too much of my diet and I rarely make time to sleep well. My understanding of "prioritizing" means making a list, going about my day, and revisiting the list before I finally go to bed that night. Then I say "oh crap" when I realize I've completed two of the twenty important things that needed to be finished yesterday.
You want the snapshot of the PERFECT me? Visit me on a Sunday between the hours of 1 and 3 p.m. and you might be convinced that I am, in fact, the woman I desperately wish I was. With my neatly made bed and spotless room you'll decide that I am a reliable, responsible adult who respects her space and values organization. I'll convince you I have style, punctuality and some understanding of cleanliness.
You want to know who I actually am, day in and day out? Come on down and pop in on my life in the chaos. Day in and day out, unworn outfits and pairs of shoes adorn my carpet. With my comforter crinkled at the end of my footboard, my bed serves as the perfect storage space for clean clothes and books. The bookshelf I bought is lined with half empty mugs of coffee, and papers and socks are scattered around the floor.
Inconsistency is my most practiced hobby. I don't keep a regular blog, I tweet randomly when I think something is funny or decide that after two months I should update my supporters, and I go through spurts of shooting and editing new work.
I'm convinced that the person I just described is not lovable by the real world. Lovable by God, yes. Lovable in third world countries, definitely. Lovable by hardworking, clean, overachieving Americans? most certainly not.
How did I get through a whole year of loving others and growing and changing in good ways and come out still thinking myself completely unlovable???
And how did I not realize I felt this way until 30 minutes ago??? I should have gotten a clue when, for the past six months, I haven't been able to name one strength of mine. Weaknesses, I could fill a book with my weaknesses. And you can list off all the things you like about me. But I cannot name one strength that I truly believe I possess.
I don't know where to go from here… I'm not sure how this whole grace thing slipped by me, and in my disorientation and disappointment in my process I'm drowning.
{There it is again, a total LACK of grace for myself.}
I'm exhausted from beating myself up over being who I am right now–imperfect.
I'm exhausted from the anxiety of caring what people think.
I'm tired of making excuses about who I am right now.
I'm done with living in the confusion of seeking after God
without understanding or having ANY grace for myself.
So, I guess it's time for me to take a closer look at this serious problem I've just dug up…
I'm gonna get down on my knees for a while, set my opinions of myself and others aside, and get back to you in a few days…
