It’s been a while since I’ve last posted a blog. I’ve been in a weird funk the past few weeks due to everything that has been going on with my family. If you didn’t know, my father passed away a few weeks while I was on the field. I was able to go home for a few weeks to take care of funeral arrangements and be with my family. Those two weeks were hell for me. I put on a mask, saying I was good so I could be strong for my family. I was not only broken due to my father’s death, but I was spiritually broken. I was empty, ‘done’, numb… Being home for those few weeks were not the best for me. I fell into a dark place and simply went back to wearing those masks I claimed freedom from months ago. I would look in the mirror, knowing God has done such a work in being on the race and see the ‘Rick’ I was prior to launch.
But, I kept hearing His voice saying, “I’m not done with you yet.” In the midst of all the darkness I battled, I could hear Him say, “Go back, there’s more.”
So I got back on a plane to get back together with N Squad.. Nothing in me wanted to go back, but I knew I needed too. As if Jesus was holding His hand down saying, “Come on son, I got you.”
I’m not going to say “I’m all better now”.. I am still walking and learning how to let go and let God fight your battles. I thought I knew the entire time, but I was trying to fight them on my own. I know this is where I belong, without a shout of a doubt. The first month of ministry being back is Manistry Month; meaning all the guys are together and it is a place to be vulnerable. I can be real with these guys, letting them know where I am at. I am in a hard place of brokenness, but I am keeping my eyes on Christ as I spent back unto the water for a millionth time. It’s going to be hard, challenging, and sometimes I may want to quit, but… I am learning to stand in a place of victory while God battles this for me. Yes, there are practical things I will need to do, but I am leaning on Jesus more than ever relying on Him. I’ve never been at a point where I am at the end of myself, but I am there now. There is nothing else I can do.
I am so thankful for a God who will NEVER give up on ourselves even when we give up on ourselves. He’s truly a Good Father. Though I may not have an earthly father who I can go to or who will be there for me… I have Christ, my heavenly Father, my rock and strong foundation. I will miss my dad so very much, but I know without a shout of a doubt he is in heaven in no more pain and I shall see him again one day.
I love you dad, so much. Thank you for everything you taught me. I will cherish you with all of my heart. I miss your laugh, sense of humor, funny stories, and most of all… the heart you had. You loved people and loved them well. I am so thankful to have called you my father… Though you’re not here anymore, I know I will see you again someday.
