As always, it is never been easy for me to write things here. I do think that it has something to do with the fact that so much is happening, there’s no way to write it all down in a nice, neat, 2-page-or-less blog, feel it conveys exactly what I wish it to, and hit post with confidence. These never seem complete.
I am back in the place where I first felt as though I fit in. I was honestly thrilled that my feet were once again dyed by the redness of the dirt; thrilled to see the team house which is only a simple building yet holds so many memories. Thrilled to see that the shelves we’d built in 2009 still had our names on the side – written proudly, let me tell you – and that so many small things had not changed. The bigger things, the most valuable things – the people, friendships, being loved again so quickly by the people I first met 3 years ago – that connection, priceless. Beautiful.
But so many things have changed. The children, many of whom I recognize from the summer I spent here, are twice as tall as they were when I left…the young ones, the little 2 and 3 year olds I spent so much time playing with don’t remember me. Some would stare at me, curious, confused, as if maybe, some small hint of recognition came to them – but children, these children, so resilient and so very alive, like most children, do not worry about such things if they don’t have to.
I know I’m rambling. Just stick with me.
The second that the plane touched down in Joburg, it was as though a weight had been lifted. The flights to get here were long, made much longer because I travelled alone this time. But the relief I felt had nothing to do with the long travel days. Nothing to do with the cramped leg space, or even the portuguese man seated snugly next to me who insisted that I fill out his landing form for him.
The weight I felt seemed to be one that I’d carried for the last 3 years.
Maybe it was God’s idea for me to not come back until now. Or maybe I was stubborn, thought too rigidly, and decided every day that I simply couldn’t just come back to Nsoko. That it had to be a long drawn out process, that I needed to have everything neat and orderly before I got back on a plane to Johannesburg, South Africa.
We do like to control things, don’t we?
The older kids, and of course the ministry staff here (the awesome people my team had the privilege of working with that summer in 09) remember me. Every time I saw one of them, and every time another person comes to the center who remembers me, there’s a sense of joy that I can’t explain.
I love them like family. And I think, maybe, I’ve never really stopped missing them.
My life was changed here. Such a simple place, a humble place. But still the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. A broken place, a hurting village, a wounded nation, but I love it here just the same.
I still feel like sometimes in this life, we experience something that makes us feel alive. Complete. For some it’s music, or dancing. For others it’s science, and the glorious mysteries that never seem to end. For some it’s family. For some it’s a place like this. And it’s ok to not understand why it is this way.
I have spent these days in tremendous gratitude. Even when a tire busted for the second time, or I realized I’d turned ten shades darker while painting the house, or a huge thunderstorm knocked out our electricity for days – my heart is at ease. And it’s these times that I’m still enough to hear God telling me that He loves me, and that this is right for me. That I don’t need the acceptance of people for me to do what I know is right – that I only need to follow Him and He will never lead me wrong.
I don’t have many stories to tell this time. I’ll send another blog when I have internet, a working laptop screen, and time to think about all that’s happened here. This one’s just to tell you that I’m doing just fine – better, even – and that I’m happy. Overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
I’m learning so many things again, as I do when I’m away from my “normal life” which I think is much more uncomfortable than this one 🙂 But over all, no matter what may happen tomorrow, I am thankful. Thankful for you, for reading this…thankful for the wonderful people who never question my strange timing with these trips and don’t give much notice….thankful for the ones who’ve never stopped encouraging me in these journeys of mine….and thankful, more than anything else, to the one who sets these things in motion and makes them happen.
Love you all,
Becca
