Sometimes I search for that divine tree
and contemplate swinging to and fro with a rope
around my neck.
Killing all this knowledge I plucked from it unecessarily.
Maybe amnesia is a gift.
I did not need the answers to all the questions I've asked.
I should not have even sought out half of what I have.
I know a lot; too much, but still not enough.
I've learned from books, from music, from others, from experience, from dreams…
I've questioned teachers, my parents, lovers, myself, God…
I've recieved answers in some of the most unexpected ways…
I have yet to learn how to forget; I do know a bit about forgiveness.
Neuromuscular facilitation-
although they say the brain is not a muscle, just matter with nerves.
So I guess it's my heart that has developed these mindless routines.
Or maybe my ass- it is the biggest.
There are these things I do, that I don't want to do, but I continue to do, though they shouldn't be done.
I spent 2 years and $30,000+ to confirm what was written a few years ago on a mountainside:
THINKING IS INDEED AN ACTION.
This, in turn, affirmed that I've been doing wrong for 25+ years.
But I been knew that.
I also know the answer to why I do these things and
to how I can stop doing them.
Yet I don't.
If thinking is an action why isn't knowledge acted upon?
Maybe if I settle down under the shade of these branches and enjoy this apple it will come to me…eventually.
I wrote this a while ago. I was in a reflective mood tonight so decided to look through some old journals/writing and came across it. This piece excited me because it has "come to me."
Today I realized that just because I feel like doing it doesn't mean I have to do it. Conversely, just because I don't feel like doing it, doesn't mean I can't. I am in control of my feelings (and my thoughts); they don't control me. No, I haven't figured out how to unlearn, but I have learned how to deal with those things I should have never known.
This afternoon I had the urge to fall back into an old habit; a habit that feels good, but is unhealthy. As I thought about it I realized, "okay yeah this'll feel good. So? Then what? So I felt good for a sec." It hit me- my feelings don't control my actions. Jesus died on the cross and delivered me from all those sins.
I am no longer a slave to sin. I have the power in me to say no, to make
a different choice, to walk a different path. The power is not mine; it's a gifted
power. A gift I'm SO thankful to have finally unwrapped!
In that same vein, I've been working out daily. It is (just about) habit at this point and my body is loving it. However, this morning I simply didn't feel like it. I sat around
for a little while and then said to myself "Self, sooooo you don't feel like exercising.
That's okay. Even though you don't feel like it, that doesn't mean you can't.
It's what you should do. Do it." I did and I felt great!
Luke 10:17-24
19I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.
