Grateful & Blessed

I often have very devastatingly terrible and and gruesomely awful dreams. I don't know where they come from. They often involve me escaping unjust danger or fighting against some injustice that is going to put me in danger. They are often period dreams (slavery, civil rights, international war crimes, prehistoric, ancient, etc.) with a random homespun twist (at some point I am always in my childhood home, in the neighborhoods in which I grew up, with family or long term friends or something of that nature) Sometimes I am being chased by humans sometimes hunted by animals. Regardless, it's always me about to die, get tortured, watch others meet the same fate, etc. I ALWAYS am caught and going to face death or some other horrifying things that make me welcome death. Most times, if I am just going to be taken care of quickly I go for it. However, if it's going to be a slow painful one I try to orchestrate a more clean kill (grabbing for someone's gun knowing the others will open fire or something like that) I sometimes have these quiet peaceful moments where it seems I've gotten away, but I know for a fact I haven't. I almost always contemplate suicide at these times, but it just never is something I want to do. My goal is always to get it over with nice and easy because I know it's inevitable. So yea…

I had one of these dreams this early morning. I'm always a little wired for a while after. Rarely can I get back to sleep because my senses are on overload, adrenaline pumping, brain racing… So I was up at like 5am laying in bed after I woke up from this dream and it hit me; I WAKE UP FROM THESE DREAMS! Shook up, sad and a little worn- yes, but I wake up. I wake up in the comfort and safety of my home. I wake up knowing, if needed, I can go get a hug from my mom or daddy or call a friend who will just listen. I can turn on some music or the TV and stretch my brain. In a few hours it's all just a hazy memory. I'm blessed.

Some people go to sleep to the dreams I wake up from. It's their reality. There are people RIGHT now who just escaped death for one more day. People who avoided the missiles being dropped in the only place they've called home. People in resistance to a corrupt government. People praying to my God for deliverance who, just by their act of prayer and to Whom they were praying, have committed treason punishable by death. People right in our own backyards who just survived another day on the streets only to face the daunting task of surviving the night. Or little children who had their bedtime rape by their daddy and are wishing their morning one by their uncle would just c'mon instead of having to wait until morning. When (if) they find a moment to rest their souls do they dream? Do they get a brief respite from the scary chaos of their lives with a fantastical escape into a world of rainbows, butterflies and bunnies? Also, is it even a relief to dream of a happy place when you wake up to hellish conditions? Is the dichotomy more harmful than helpful? Is it better to have dreamless, but recuperative slumber? A life without dreams because it's more conducive to ones survival almost breaks my heart. That it's safer not to dream is a sad statement. I dunno…I guess sometimes I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thank God, mine is just figurative. Hats off and prayers for those who are physically bearing some of those tons.