As I looked up at that man, I saw him in a way that I didn't the previous night. My eyes were opened as he danced around, in his apparent freedom, to the fact that he wasn't free at all. I saw him distinct from the sin that I had basically condemned him for a couple nights prior. I'm not saying that it was wrong for me to tell him to get the heck away from my ladies, but my heart towards him in that moment was all crazy amounts of wrong. In my frustration, I had seen him as his sin. Instead of seeing a creation and child of the Lord bound by things that were keeping him from experiencing the freedom God had waiting for him and desiring to help him walk into that freedom, I just wanted him to leave.
I saw him dancing around, laughing up a storm, and belting the lyrics and realized more and more how in that moment he looked and probably even felt free. It was a facade though. I don't fully know how to describe to you how I experienced the reality of that in the moment, but it was something like tangibly seeing that man trapped in a cage that he couldn't see. And I wanted nothing more than to freaking unlock the door. The problem with that of course is that if someone doesn't even see the cage they're in, "unlocking the door" probably won't help much. And what I know to be true from my own life is that if you're really stuck in something, but don't see it as being stuck.. no matter how many people try to tell you that and "help you out of it", all their attempts will prove ineffectual until the Lord brings about the harsh reality of your cage. Until He steps in and in His mercy opens your eyes no real change will occur. It's why I lived the way I did from middle school until my freshmen year of college, despite many people's attempts at getting me out of the things I lived in. In all of those things, I thought I was living in freedom and because it looked and felt like I was for the most part, because the lie was convincing enough and the truth not apparent enough, I was not going to change. I wasn't going to change that is, until the Lord brought to a stark, painful reality the truth that what I thought was freedom (lawlessness), was actually enslaving me and significantly limiting my ability to experience love, life and joy. After He did that… well, everything changed.
And by saying all of that, I don't want to down play the role that people played in my coming to know the Lord, because it was legit through people who so richly displayed the Lord's love and truth to me that I was led to that place and point of change. But, with out the Lord's divine intervention, all of their actions and displays of love would have fallen short of getting me there. And that realization right there is what draws me into petitions of prayer for people like that man. That night after reading Caleb's note and seeing that man I ended up preaching over romans 8… I can't remember if I said that in the last blog… but it was where I found the note and it provided exactly the words that needed to be shared that night. It speaks of our freedom from the the law of sin and death and it also talks about about our freedom from a spirit of bondage and fear and our adoption into the Lord's family. It was such a sweet moment getting to share those truths with those people, but it was even sweeter getting to pray later that those truths would not just be heard but become alive in that place.
The crusade wrapped up that night and we headed home to Pastor Solomon's house for dinner and unbeknownst to me another special treat from home. As we ate dinner that night the phone my dad gave me so he could call me every once in a while rang, and I actually heard it! Ha, I often have missed his calls because its been in a bag in another room or something.. but that night I actually heard it and answered. He happened to be with my sister and niece, so I got to talk to them too and then as an added bonus he had found out how to conference call so I got to talk to my mom, who had just flown to see my grandma and was with my aunt and uncle… I mean I really did not expect to get to talk to nearly my whole family in one night, I was over the top joyful about it all. Then, after the family reunion of a phone conversation, my dad offered to conference call Caleb so I could talk to him for a bit! I'd like to plug in right here, that though I may be biased, I probably have the best dad ever; he provides for me in ways that are often more than I deserve and has been entirely thoughtful of me and my distance while on the race and in ways that are so selfless… like calling me to talk and then offering up a lot of that time so that I can talk to everyone else also. [Dad, I love you and want you to know that I am so thankful for you.] Getting back on track now, after talking to all my family I got to wrap it up by chatting with Caleb for a bit. I'll be honest there's nothing quite like surprising people buy calling them from half way across the globe… though I think everyone I call is kind of getting used to these unexpected interruptions. The phone conversation with Caleb proved to be more than just a surprise blessing from the Lord though. It was more of a continuation of the lessons the Lord was teaching me that night. As we got to talk and he told me about his last couple days, I sunk back into that homesick state that I had been in on my way up to the crusade but this time it was filled with a jealousy of what everyone else had back at home too.
The truth is that there is something about america that smothers. And it's funny because I want to come back and definitely did that night, so, so badly at times to that smothering, because I miss the comfort that it gives and the freedom of choice it allows me. There is this stark comparison that I got to see that night between the life I have been given right now on the race and the life that I had just a couple months ago in the states. We are so free to do whatever the heck we want in america; we are free to decide what we want to do with the day, what we want to eat and where we want to eat, who we want to be with and what we want to do with them, we have so so many choices given to us. On the race I do not. ha, I eat what I'm served because its all thats generally available, my day is planned out for me, its not safe for me to be out past dark, and specifically as a team leader few to none of my decisions can be made in thought to only myself… I always have to others to consider before making any decision about the day. And after talking to Caleb… I wanted nothing more than to just be home and walk in that kind of freedom. I was legitimately jealous. But after a few moments of homesickness and bitterness about my circumstances, the Lord stopped me and reminded me of that man in the village. He spoke to me that the freedom I saw in the way of life back home was just like his apparent "freedom", but was not true freedom. He reminded me that having a lot of choices and independence does not mean that I am free… it can actually mean that I am less free than ever because what it allows me to do is be considerably more trapped in myself and thoughts of my self. All the choices that we are allowed to make through out our days in america, present us with so many more times to choose selfishness over selflessness. And in most of our lives and definitely in my life before I left for the race, I failed a majority of the time to choose selflessness. At launch, the time we spent as a squad together before leaving for Kenya, one of our speakers was talking about the culture of the community that they want us to live in while on the race (and the rest of our life) and he spoke about this idea of "high consideration". He said that we should consider all the love, grace, clothes, food, ect that we've been given, to consider that we do not have the "right to be right", and to namely consider others in the same way that we would consider ourselves. He said that every day you have the ability to either choose life or death, to choose selfishness or selflessness. I don't think we always consider that selfishness is death, and selflessness is life. I think that if I thought about it in that manner before making decisions I would be way more likely to act selflessly… because who really would choose death over life? The problem is that satan has masked the fact that our selfishness is really leading to death; he's made us love the "freedom" of being selfish and has caused us to see it as life giving, but it is really a great deception. Satan is such a deceiver, and if we aren't actively listening for the Lord's voice and seeking Him first we will be fooled into believing lies as truth, and our lives will be reflective of that. Just like mine was in those moments after that phone conversation.
Luckily the Lord, like I said, is way more faithful and steadfast than we are and He continues to pursue us even as we repeatedly make decisions and believe in thoughts that are not of Him. He sought my heart so many times that night and pounded in the lessons He had to teach me. I am grateful for all the ways that it came to me in, because there is a depth to life that I'm seeing more and more, that when I just hear something once or get told it with out actually experiencing it, I can miss out on. I pray that the Lord gets deep with you this week and that He tangibly make you experience the lessons He has for you and that because of it you come into a deeper understanding of the true freedom and love that He has for you and I.
