number 1: I suffer from severe procrastination, especially in the arena of writing, hence this being my first ever blog post on here. This procrastination is of a peculiar sort though, it doesn't often come from a lack of desire to write or even a lack of knowing what to write but rather it comes from this place of insecurity and fear. In most instances of procrastination when it comes down to it the real reason I've put off writing or publicly displaying my thoughts or stories about life, its because I'm afraid of the judgement that could, in my mind, presumably follow. With that being put out there… I'd like to ask for your prayers with this. I know that those insecurities and fears are coming from a deep-seated sin problem, its really a pride issue as these things are most problematic when pride has come into the picture. What makes it hard though is that pride, while being most known for being "loud and proud", I find can be very subtle, quite, and defensive, and because we aren't taught to often associate those attributes with pride, it's taken me a while to see that, that's really my issue. In my insecurity and fear, I don't need affirmation necessarily or a pep-talk to convince me to take courage… what I really need is to be reminded that it's not about me and that I don't need to fear the judgement of others because if what they say in response is from the Lord, it will edify me and further glorify Him, and if it's not then it will not last and won't matter. Those truths are hard things to remember and get back to in the midst of emotions that come along with fear and insecurity though, so seriously you're prayers to fight against that over this next year will be most helpful.
number 2: Sometime's I say things in a dramatic fashion; my mind thinks in hyperboles. My mom, when I was in high school, told me to take a drama class for my fine arts credit because I was so melodramatic, a suggestion that completely set the tone for my high school experience.. but thats not what I was going to write about for number two, so let me get back on track. number two for real: Over the last 8 months I feel like I have done little to nothing to raise the amount of support that I have already been so incredibly blessed with from the Lord. It has truly been a time of seeing the Lord work through my weaknesses, allowing me to see more and more clearly His great strength. I don't mean to say that I've been lazy or have just sat around and then been blessed through laziness… I don't want to promote that idea or give the notion that, that's how it works, because it's not. During this time though I have been given this unnatural disposition, free of worry or stress in regard to this whole support raising thing…and by unnatural I maybe more mean supernatural because my experiences with money matters thus far in life have shown me that when put face to face with a large amount of it due stress, worry, and over planning tend to naturally and quickly follow. They also tend to be fanned into a roaring fire by the all too often asked question of "How are you going to come up with all this money" . Something that Lord has taught me through out this experience has been that, that is exactly the wrong question, yet its exactly the one everyone will ask and beg an answer to. In our attempt to answer the question we often get off track though , or at least I do. I start to try to answer it like *I* am going to come up with these great plans and that the money will just come in. I word it in a way that 's like well I'm going to do this and this and this and just trust the Lord that it will work out… it sounds like those plans rest on faith, but they don't. When my planning precedes the faith aspect of it, then it can sound anyway it wants but its not okay. If in my answers to that question my first response isn't to return to the Lord, my ultimate provider, then I'm answering wrong, because its not really a how question but a who question. I think in my past support raising experiences I've often understood and could articulate that the funds are always provided by the Lord, but until this time I don't think I would have said that the way that the funds come in are also provided by Him. I'm learning to trust more and to give credit where credit is due more, I'm learning that He's bigger and His plans are crazier than I could have or can ever come up with on my own. There have been some incredible support moments for me and you can expect a blog soon solely about those experiences. I believe God has and is going to do so some amazing, amazing things through the supporters He raises up.
number 3: i currently am sitting on top of a hill in tennessee, my face is painted with blue lightening bolts as I am getting ready to wrap up my 7th day at training camp by what we call Squad wars. Tonight our squad (Y squad, aka the awesome August squad) will battle it out against the W and X squads to show just who has the most spirit and strength. There will be a myriad of challenges and what not to determine the winner but my favorite part by far will be the Squad chants. If I do say so myself, ours is the best and we have been spying on the others. Our chant is full of all the things I love: dancing, craziness, and being excessively loud. It's also full of scripture, empowerment and truth, which is really my favorite part. In all of the fun that is going on tonight we're bringing it back to "y" we're all here. This group of people have so quickly over the last week become inspirations to me and spurred me further into the joy I felt when I first applied for this crazy trip. I can not wait to share this year with them.
number 4: My favorite number is 4. I was born on April (the forth month) on the 4th day. 🙂
