How do you put into words an experience that’s done more to you than you ever imagined?
I guess I’ll start with this – I’ve finally, finally, finally fully surrendered to God. I thought I had before, but the truth is I hadn’t changed all of my ways and become a true follower of Christ. But that grey area is gone. All I want is to live for Christ – to live in a way that honors Him, to make Him and His heart known, to praise all that He has done in my life and before my eyes. He has chosen me to do so, so why after all He has done for me, would I not choose Him over everything else in my life?
With that being said – the days of making poor decisions aren’t over and I am fully aware of that. And the days of temptation are going to come at me as strong as ever, but I know where to turn – and that’s towards the sun. Jesus is my savior and will protect me from all that comes my way.
With this being my second trip to Kusi, Peru, I know many people may think it had the same impact on me as it did this summer. But as much as the first trip changed my life, this second trip impacted me in overwhelming ways. I wrapped my arms around my little brothers in such a wonderful reunion – a reunion that some of them had no idea was coming until I got out of the taxi and walked into their home.
I spent hours every single day playing cards, playing tag, playing with cars, writing in chalk, drawing pictures, taking pictures, learning to spin a top, pretending to try to learn to breakdance, eating carbs, having my hair played with, making funny faces, learning Spanish, dancing and talking about every aspect of life with the sweetest, rambunctious, loving, daring, strongest boys I know. We celebrated New Years until 4 a.m. – complete with fireworks, sparklers, dancing under a disco light and Peruvian traditions. We went to the pool and took them out to dinner, two things they never get to do, and ate cake for breakfast to celebrate our time there. We had water balloon and chalk fights. We had a slumber party outside and told ghost stories, had pillow fights and stayed up all night. To say my friendships with them grew is an understatement – they became my brothers.
God sent me to Kusi with a very young and vulnerable team – a team that grew so close from sharing our own pasts, presents, struggles, triumphs, smiles, laughs, tears. And as we grew as a team, we grew individually. As our trust strengthened with one another, our trust as a team grew with the boys as well. They shared their stories with us – some more in depth than others. Some – included very personal memories and experiences of pain and abandonment that had me so broken down that I couldn’t hold back the tears I was fighting.
Speaking of tears – I cried a lot, which is probably no surprise to any of you who really know me. But I’ve been praying diligently for God to break my heart for what breaks His because I want to feel pain. It may seem weird to read that, it’s weird for me to even say it. But it’s the truth – even though I long for Christ’s love, I want to feel the pain He feels so that I am altered in every way possible. Feeling pain enables growth – and there is no other place I’d rather grow than in Christ.
So, God did just that. He broke my heart. But, I believe that is why this trip was so incredibly powerful to me. Because I was able to openly feel pain, I hurt so much for the boys. When I heard of the experiences they’ve had I felt as if my heart was being ripped into pieces. And that allowed me to grow closer and closer to them – because all I wanted was for them to know that they are loved – loved by Christ, by me, my team, their brothers and Mama Rosa and Papa Angel.
The bonds that God created between me and some of the boys are bonds I have never had before. He created quick bonds of unending love, trust, hope, prayer, dreams. He slowly took pieces of me and spread them throughout the Kusi family – pieces of me that will always be there. And he took pieces of Kusi and permanently invested them in my life so that they will never fade away.
Kusi and all that it holds inside has become such a huge and important part of my life. Kusi is where I shared my testimony for the first time, it’s where I first felt completely vulnerable, it’s where I believe I felt God’s complete presence fill me for the first time since I was 12 years old, it’s where I broke down and begged God to use me, it’s where I surrendered – where I repented and gave my whole self to Him, it’s where I felt the relentless and gracious love of Christ, it’s where I have a huge family who share pasts similar to mine, it’s where I realized that my mistakes, my bad decisions and my abuse could be used to bond with others who are looking for something to help them cope, it’s where God showed me that I, too, am one of His children who He yearns to shower with blessings, it’s where I accepted my imperfections and
t u r n e d to Jesus|the sun.
Just so I would have Kusi – and all that it holds for me – with me every second of every day of my life, I decided to get a permanent reminder so that I will never lose sight of what changed me and that I will always remember to turn to Jesus through everything. So that it held the imperfections of myself as well as those in Kusi, I had a Girasol|Sunflower hand drawn buy one of my brothers|Girasoles, Kevin. And now, although I can’t always be there, pieces of Kusi will always be with me.
When I got home, I told my dad that as much as I love him and my family, I didn’t miss them while I was gone because God filled me with the spirit of family and took my homesickness away. And as bad as it sounded, he nodded and agreed. And he said, “I didn’t miss you either. I mean I missed you because I missed you being here, but I know that you were where you were supposed to be. And how can I miss you for that.”
God has shown me once again that His plan for my life is to go out in this beautiful world that He’s created and spread His love amongst the least of these. And as hard as parting from all I’ve ever known will be – I cannot wait to embark on the World Race.
God has called me and I know that He will provide all of the comfort I need –
because after all, home is wherever He says it is.
