WHY I’VE FAILED
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
– Winston Churchill
It has been far too long since I’ve written and without excuse or justification. My heart has been burdened of late for my current condition not only in my mind, but also in my heart. We were informed many times throughout training, meetings, and debrief—the world race brings brokenness.
I must admit, like most times I have received advice or warnings, I almost immediately dismissed brokenness as a result of weakness; an effect brought on by lack of self-reliance and self-sufficiency. But God (which happens to be my two favorite words in scripture) has shown me once again, that I know myself far less than I think I do, and I understand this existence we often refer to as life even less.
My brokenness came much sooner than I anticipated, and with an alacrity akin to a kindergartener on Christmas morning. It was as if God spoke “Here is everything you could want, now watch how it’s still not enough.”
India originally held the top spot for countries on my route I was least excited about. In fact, I sometimes selfishly prayed for it to change, so we could bypass India altogether. I wasn’t excited about the environment, the people, the culture, and especially not the food. Yet, from the moment our plane landed on Indian soil, I felt a strange sense of peace. In an inexplicably surreal sort of way, it felt like home.
My feelings were confirmed when I found out my team had been placed in the city of Hyderabad working with a school for teenagers and college students. My assignment: leading worship, shooting/editing video, and teaching English (who knew I’d actually get to use my college degree?). It was basically my dream scenario.
For the next week I remained on cloud ten, as cloud nine is not a sufficient colloquialism to adequately describe my feelings. I loved everything about where I was: the location, the culture, the absolute chaos of town, and especially the people. Never have I experienced a more genuine example of love. Never have I seen the Gospel and a Christlike community so properly lived out.
The question remained, how was brokenness possibly going to come from such ideal surrounding? The answer surprised me. My brokenness came from within.
I was failing, in almost every way. No longer did I have the crutch of difficult and often dangerous surroundings to numb or worse justify my actions and attitude. The solitude of the Swaziland mountains had long faded into the distance. Each day I woke surrounded by everything I could want, and yet each night as my head landed ritualistically on the pillow I felt more empty and alone than before.
The honeymoon phase of the race is over. It’s no longer an adventure, and it’s no longer new, it is simply life. My profession is servant. My location is every changing. I have nothing to hide behind, as each day God reveals more of my character. I imagine I am experiencing a tiny revelation of what Adam felt in the garden: naked and ashamed.
I have been so busy telling God what I want, I haven’t been silent long enough for Him to tell me what I need.
So for days I have been only listening. God has laid me on the operating table. He is removing every cancerous lesion of my character that is not of Him. The pain is so real. My pride has perhaps suffered the greatest blow. But God, being the master surgeon has chosen, in spite of myself, to make me a survivor–a survivor of this disease of self-reliance, of pride, and of arrogance.
He loves me enough to reach out in my brokenness and offer pardon. No caveats, no conditions, only new life. I feel for the first time, that this season of death to self is going to lead to season of life and life abundant. Christ came to free us from a lifetime of bondage. He wants to meet us wherever we are: South Africa, Swaziland, India, and even the United States.
I am a failure, but I am being made new. Cut by cut, suture by suture, until the only thing that remains is the life that He intended… and I cannot wait to see and share in the real adventure that He has to come.
Sincerely,
Nathan Hauser
