The Weakest Link

As most of y’all know, I tend to try to find some humor in everything, especially the things that I find sad, angering, or uncomfortable. But in this blog, it’s hard for me to find the humor. So the title is all I got. They also tell us that blogs should be 500 words or less. Yeah, right.

Debrief in Antigua, Guatemala: a time of rest and relaxation, where we can get physically, emotionally, and spiritually refreshed and recharged in preparation for the next months ministry. Right.

During the day, yes they were. We had team debrief and one-on-ones with our squad coaches, mentor, and leaders. We had epic adventures with horses up the sides of a volcano while listening to the soundtrack from Jurassic Park. We hiked up to a cross that overlooked the city. Nights were a little different. The theme of our squad sessions at night was vulnerability. I thought, “what do I have to be vulnerable about? I’ve got everything together.” Wrong thIng to say.
When there was a pause, I opened my mouth and words came falling out, as did the tears. I said a lot, most of which is between myself and other people, but there are two things that I came to realize: 1. I hadn’t been baptized as a Christian. Baptized yes, Christian no. That was fixed easily enough. A few weeks later, we went to lake Atitlan, and myself and 4 other members of C-squad were baptized.
The second realization won’t go away easily. It may not go away ever. I have a constant and crushing fear that I am alone and forgotten. I send a text message and don’t get a reply, I don’t think “Oh, they’re at work” like a normal person. I think that they don’t want to talk, or don’t care, or forgot. I’m sitting around writing this blog even now, sitting in a common area of camp where I know people can see me and won’t forget about me. When I feel forgotten and alone, it is overwhelming. All I can think about.
Sunday night, I had a dream that I was alone. No family, friends, people, animals, plants, rocks, volleyballs with hand prints, nothing. Not even God was there. I woke up with a silent scream and in a cold sweat. It was terrifying. I had this dream because the devil was playing me. He knew my weakest link was still weak, and grabbed and pulled.
I’m still learning how to deal with these fears. Honestly, I don’t know how. I just know I can’t do it on my own. The only one who can help me is the One who has never, doesn’t ever, and will never forget me or leave me alone.