So, there’s a bunch of things I’m a little worried about on the World Race. Things like getting a terrible disease, or finding the world’s biggest spider in my sleeping bag, or flipping out of my hammock and landing on a rock, or getting arrested for making an errant communist joke. But really, let’s face it… these probably won’t happen. What I’m actually worried about is two things about me. Not many know about it, but I’d say they are two of my biggest failings.
The first is my emotions. Not happiness and gratitude and such. Those are easy to show, and gratifying. When people see that I’m happy, it makes them happy as well, and then I feel even better. It’s all the other ones. The “bad” or “hurt” I don’t show them. It’s the inner Vulcan inside me. Some people tell me that it’s really hard to make me angry, and that they’ve never actually seen me legitimately ticked off. That second bit is true. I don’t often show it. But I am angry more than people realize. The bad thing is I keep it all pent up inside. The same goes for a billion other emotions; sadness and suffering, and especially love and affection, sometimes to the point where it will keep me away for a day or more at a time. It’s like a huge weight, slowly crushing and squeezing all of the closed up emotions out of me, and every now and then, I give way, and everything just pours out at once; Anger, affection, love, sadness, etc. It happens far more often then I care to admit. Who knows what being away from my close friends and all of my family will be like? Pretty rough, I imagine. Most of the time I am able to keep the cork in until I am alone, which brings me to the second point of this blog.
Today, I read Ecclesiastes 7:3 “Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of the face the heart is made glad.” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this. How can feeling so sad and so alone lead to a glad heart? One way. God.
“You have turned for my my mourning into dancing: you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory will sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” Psalms 30:11-12
God will turn me from my sadness. He is the only one who can do so. Without God this would be an abysmal and utterly pointless existence.
I tend to be a loner. I don’t do it on purpose. It just kinda happens. I’ll get home, get a snack, and lock myself in my room with my bestie Beethoven. Not the best trait for a bumping social life, that’s for sure. Yes, I do know exactly why it happens. And it has become a habit of sorts. For those of you reading this who are going on the World Race with me, I’m asking you to do one thing for me: don’t let me become too much of a hermit. I’ll be needing some friends, when all of these emotions inevitably bottle up. Here and there, sure, hermitism is needed. But try to get me out and involved! God has reasons for everything, and he always leads me down the path he has set for me.
