This is What Brokenness Is.
Here I am Lord…All of ME…
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5: 1-5 NIV
I forget who I used to be …I am forever changed.
(Twins Moi & Mai-the cutest student in Cambodia where we taught English) (Right- Feeding in the Philippines)
I have fall short of what God had for me…even being a missionary sometimes we miss and neglect the most important thing we need…Christ….I've let some of my desires consume me and take up my heart when all the Father wanted was all of me, all of my heart, so he could love me more…I believe he wants to love you more too…
I’ve held orphans, I’ve prayed healing for the sick, I’ve gone into the depths of communities and seen real poverty, I’ve seen spirit houses, I seen countless idols & temples to other gods, I’ve ministered to prostitutes and share God’s love for them in the red light district of Bangla Rd, I’ve feed the poor, I’ve given out clothes, I’ve taught numerous English classes,I've played with street kids and hugged them tight, I’ve prayer walked & interceded, I’ve evangelized on the streets & in more houses than I can count. I’ve worshipped in African services for 5 hours straight jumping up and down praising him. Tried many cultures of foods including african, asian, and indian dishes. Had Thai spices that I thought would make my tongue burn off!
I don't think brokenness is my own. It's the brokenness of the Father…
I've traveled through DRY land, through jungles, through rwanda hillsides, been coastal near Tsunami wave zones,…lived in African villages…check, lived in the middle of impoverished communities, endured incredible hot weather and about to go from 80 degree + weather to 30 Deg and below weather…I've seen many nations, many colors, many races and I've realized they all need one thing. They need God's love. They need a love in action.
I’ve seen churches on fire for God, I’ve seen churches dead in the spirit…I've seen demon possessed people its more common than us westerners think. .I’ve seen the Spirit of God move. I’ve seen tears shed for real pain…I’ve seen the hope of a Savior. The hope for the Nations. It is not me that this world needs, It’s Jesus Christ. The world is so desperate for the truth, for his LOVE. It’s so real, and tangible, and it never fails like the world does.
After 7 months of ministry, I think I am starting to realize the real need for constant renewal from God. I am tired. Some days I don’t know how I will make it through another day of pouring out. The need to cry out to him and constantly be in prayer…to have his heart of fire inside of me, so that God can pour into me and fill me up. Without being filled up I am useless.
I know that the Father gives rest for the weary, and this woman is a little bit weary. I think it’s a good place to be. To realize that I didn’t get on this journey by myself, and I won’t finish it with my own strength. I need the strength of Christ, the mind of Christ, the heart of Christ to help me carry on. I know that the Father will renew my spirit and fill me up so that I can persevere.
I need more of him…every day. I need to shed tears to release some of this stuff that I try to carry around, but can’t. This cross is too heavy for me alone. Yes I miss my family, the familiar, but when I come home will it really feel like “home”. I don’t think it will ever feel like home until I reach the destination the Father has called me to…and that’s heaven. It’s not the easiest being put on a team with what once were strangers from different places throughout the united states.
I’ve learned to let go of that need for encouragement from friends back home, or from any other source. I am at a point of realizing I need God. I need to hear from him, I need to feel his presence, and I need to be in his will. Talking to someone else won’t change this…talking to God will, talking to Jesus will. As I prepare my heart for no communication for a month of the world race, I have to come to a place of brokenness. Not all of this journey is going to be 100% joyful all of the time; I think if it was I would miss why I am here. I did put in my title of my blog that I want to see the world through HIS eyes, not mine. Those are not easy eyes to see it through… I suppose be careful what you pray for! In this brokenness I am brought to a place of humbleness and humility, to remember where God brought me out of and to. This is the only way he can use me, If I empty out myself and my heart. If I give my heart and my cares to him. I’m so thankful for his amazing grace which saved my soul. Now this grace makes me whole.
(We Travled around Malaysia to many indian churches this month & I preached several times….We also spent probably 50+ hours in this van praying during prayer drives, and driving to various sites for ministry)
The pastor we worked with last month confirmed the ministry God is calling me to after the world race for the 2nd time & I am super excited! I know that the Lord has given me a burden for people, to see into their hearts. With discernment and insight into what someone struggles with, God can use me to encourage, bring healing & restoration. I’m currently in prayer about when the Lord would like me to share the exact ministry I am being called to & what this will look like. It could be during the race, or it could be after the race that I share this with you. For now I surrender as I lean on him. More of him & less of me.
Cambodia…Some of the girls I was able to start a bible study with…
