I have found, that while on the race, it is easy to empty yourself.
By empty yourself, I mean in the sense of literally pouring out everything that you have.
I feel like I am giving everything. I am giving all I have to the ministry we have. I am giving everything to the people I am around 24/7. I am giving everything to everyone and everything I possibly can.
But tonight, I realized something. You can’t pour out what you don’t have.
So as I exhaust myself trying to pursue relationships and cleaning our forever dirty house (mom I have so much more respect and awe for all that you do with such grace and patience), I find myself refusing to take the time to be poured back into.
And I do not mean by my team or by anyone that I can call back home. I mean by the only one who can truly fill me back up.
I talked to my mom tonight and she spoke some life into this feeling of emptiness. She reminded me that Jesus is the only thing that can truly refill my aching soul.
The soul that aches for the hurting people around it. The soul that aches for home. The soul that aches to be fully known and loved. The soul that is empty.
She used the phrase from the old hymn, Jesus is the lover of my soul. And that He is. Even now, just thinking of how He really does know me more than my team, my friends, and even my own mom, ever could, I am in awe and filled with some sort of ethereal wonder. But I actually have to want to be filled up.
I have to pursue Christ, in order for Him to refill my soul.
As I brought this feeling to some people back home, finally shedding light on some of the real struggles I have been having on the field, I was brought some wisdom, which has given me a better way to look at being able to continue to give all that I have.
Mom reminded me that God will pour back into me if I just seek Him. And that I am hearing His sweet voice every time I open the Bible, so I should start pursuing that. And if I seek Him, He will fill me.
Caleb pointed out that if I am pouring myself out onto ministry and my team, who all love and serve Jesus, then I am literally pouring out myself to God.
I have realized as I am typing out this blog, I am not really empty. I am always full. I can never be really truly empty if the One Who Loves My Soul is always residing inside of me. He will continue to give me something to pour out. He will always fill me back up in one way or another. And when I feel empty, it is ok to feel that way, because it makes me crawl on my hands and knees back to the only one who can truly fill me back up.
So to those who feel as if they too are empty. That you have given all you possibly have to those around you and the things around you, seek refuge and comfort in Him. He will sustain you: “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22
He will be your rock and fortress for when you feel weak and like you cannot go on giving: “I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18: 1-2
In my times of weakness or my times of supposed emptiness, I will be filled and strengthened. I will be full of joy, love, praise, and peace, just to name a few. I will be strong enough to love people endlessly and continue to choose to pursue them. I will be able.
So now, I just have to instill these truths into my heart:
I am equipped.
I am full.
I am able to continue to love, even when it is hard.
I am able to run the race that God has set before me.
I am able to seek hard and fast after God, and find all that He calls me to and all that He knows of me.
“So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
