I write this with tears in my eyes.
This is so hard, you guys. Fundraising is hard. Preparing for the World Race is hard.
I feel stressed, discouraged, and scared.
Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to leave my family and friends to go to 3 totally different countries where I will be living out of a BACKPACK??? How am I going to pay for all of this? What if I get sick? What if I get lice or a parasite? What if something happens to someone back home? What if???
Sometimes, I get really overwhelmed. I can’t breathe, and I ask God if this is really what He has planned for me. I cry a lot. And I have been told that it is ok to grieve. But grief is so hard. I hate being sad. I would rather just not think about it.
I don’t want to think about all of the gear I still have to get, the medications I still need, the money I still need to raise. I would much rather think about all the amazing things I am going to get to see and the cool things I am going to get to do.
But then I realize, that is not why I am going on this trip.
I am going to serve a God who loves me. A God who takes care of me. A God who has my life all planned out. A God who has the whole world in His hand.
I have been called to this. God picked me to go. He wants me to share His love and the good news.
I also remember that He knows each one of my worries. He knows that I am struggling with leaving those I love. He knows that I sometimes have panic attacks about fundraising and all my gear. He knows that I am scared sometimes. And He actually cares about it.
Philippians 4:6-7 “6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
God loves me. He protects me. He knows each one of my fears and worries, and He will put them to rest.
Now, I know that I am going to struggle on the race. I know that holidays are going to be hard for me. I know that there will be days when I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry my heart out. And I honestly might.
But I know I will be ok. I know that I have an amazing team who will be there to cry with me, and then help me wipe my eyes, and pick me back up, and help me continue on. And I will do the same. It is what we will do.
And I will rest in the fact that I am loved, protected, and watched over.
“I’m no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.” -Bethel Music
I want to thank/ apologise to all those close to me. These next few months are going to be hard. I am probably going to cry a lot, and I am probably going to get frustrated with my emotions, and I am sorry if I take it out on you. I love you all so very much, and it is just going to be part of my grieving process. I hope you will allow yourself to grieve as well (if you need to??). This is a crazy thing that I am doing, and it will be scary, and exhilarating, and I will be doing my very best to reach out to you in times of need, so if you get a voicemail from some obscene hour with a sobbing me on the end, don’t panic, just call me back or let me know you are praying for me.
I have been so blessed by my community at home. I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and pray for me. And I am so thankful for you. So when I come to you crying, or frustrated, it is ok to not say anything, and just hold me. I will be thankful for those moments when I am gone and sad. I have many memories already tucked away for a rainy day (hopefully in Africa *cue Africa by Toto*) that I will cherish, and I am sure that we will make much more before I go.
So thank you all for your constant love, support and prayer. I will need a lot of it these next few months.
I love you dearly.
Mady
