“Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Prove me, O Lord, and my mind. For Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in Your faithfulness. I do not sit with men of falsehood, nor do I consort with hypocrites. I hate the assembly of evildoers, and I will not sit with the wicked. I wash my hands in innocence and go around Your altar, O Lord, proclaiming thanksgiving aloud, and telling all Your wondrous deeds. O Lord, I love the habitation of Your house and the place where Your glory dwells. Do not sweep my soul away with sinners, nor my life with bloodthirsty men, in whose hands are evil devices, and whose right hands are full of bribes. But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity; redeem me, and be gracious to me. My foot stands on level ground; in the great assembly I will bless the Lord.” – Psalm 26
This Scripture was actually was revealed to me as I was admiring Autumn. Autumn is my favorite time of year and my admiration was joined with a frustration that it has to come and go so quickly. I love how the leaves are revealed uniquely and they all seem to dance in the cool breeze with strong independence and rousing demeanor. But as I was walking to my car I was startled that I was appreciating fall while staring into my dirty tennis shoes. (which I can honestly admit that I appreciate there coffee stains) All these stunning realities about the fall were all based on visions in my mind. This may sound foreign to you but personally, I am guilty of looking into my tennis shoes and remembering poetic lines that resemble a scenario rather than fully looking it in the face and allowing the melody to seep from the canvas. I needed to set my eyes on the vision itself in order for it to appear to me…profound right? I am a huge “thinker.” I like words and seeing things under a microscope and I’m the person that lays in bed and listens to my heartbeat and my mind attempts to go scientifically through the human vascular system…and the behavior and mental states of the human mind. Mystery is a contradiction for me because I struggle with it at the same time that I am stirred by it with the intention to study, explore and solve. My veneration with Autumn was merely an emotion that was already “figured out” because I had painted the picture in my mind and the stanzas were already polished and published. The conviction had little to do with the art of my mind and harmony of my heart-it had everything to do with not continually embracing the mystery of Him. He created this season…He placed the leaves on the trees. I had no idea the mystery and further revelation I could gain by looking up into His perfect art piece because I had fooled myself into believing that it was already a finished painting in my mind. I wasn’t planning on looking up and deciding that I didn’t like fall anymore or I didn’t think that my conviction was because I needed to find the ugliness in the season. It was all about the continual ways that the mystery and depth of the Lords heart is revealed to us DAILY…even if we think one day identifies no different than the last. Taking on the vision of God allows us to view the world differently while transforming and realigning our hearts. Having a vision is everything we were made for.
I was gripped with this feeling of loneness after that conviction. Not the loneliness that longs for a companion because my contentment in that moment was to be alone. It was the image of a young girl walking in dirty tennis shoes-tattooed and cynical and her name was Lonely. I felt like if I turned around I would see her standing behind me mockingly…she doubted the mystery of creation, men, science, music, art, and love. She had it “all figured out.” But as much as that image grips at my heart strings-I felt a courage to boldly approach her and whisper a melody of love into her ear and she would die. I wouldn’t whisper that “beautiful” love that you only say to things “worthy”. Or the attractive, Hollywood love that glows of flowers and starlit skies. This love would be a descant that loves the messiness of her. The love that breaks her down and she forgets all of the formulas to life. Its that love that grabs her hand and drags her while she is in the middle of pity. Her heart would dream again and hope would lie in the rust-orange leaf beneath her shoe. At that moment I carried her burden of being alone and in His faithfulness and steadfast love were the strength that overcame her life. Intentional love.
Fall is a season dressed in a closet full of glorious hue in preparation for death. There’s so much promise in the leaves decent to the ground. Because as there foundations seem to become as skeletons of death, there are miraculous wonders being restored and nourished under the surface. Fall is a season of mystery longing to be explored…
