TODAY I STOOD IN THE MIDDLE of our hostel room sobbing in front of some of my teammates, trying to understand why I’m still struggling with something I thought I was growing/grew out of. I still don’t understand.
I struggle with self-control and overreacting (and trust, that’s a huge one).
And I don’t know why. And that’s the frustrating part.
I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember, and for as long as I can remember, my parents have asked me why I get so emotional and hurt about change or things “not working out.” Why do I take things as a personal jab towards me, when stuff working out is merely circumstancial?
Why do I go crazy and lose my mind when things don’t go according to plan? When do things ever go according to plan?
I don’t know why. I don’t know when or why it started and that’s what gets to me.
Why am I the way that I am? Why can I not be patient and take the time to respond, or take the time to think before acting on my emotions? Everyone else can do it. The people around me can do it. I thought I was a flexible person, but I’m not. Not initially, at least. I would love to say that I am, but the unfortunate reality is that I react instead of responding to situations. I’ve learned that after I’ve given a new change in my life some thought, I realize it’s actually fine. It’s the overreacting in the moment and the lashing out that I have a problem with.
And that’s ugly.
I think a lot of this stems from not putting my trust in the people around me and not putting my trust and life continuously in The Lord’s hands. If I trust God and if I trusted my people, I wouldn’t be freaking out. But I struggle with trust still, and I struggle to hand over my future to The Lord. I have to do that every single day, and I have to choose trust over worry every day, and the past couple of months I haven’t been doing that.
Instead, I’ve been choosing selfishness when a difficult situation arises. “What about ME?” “Do you care about ME?” “What about what I think? What about what I have to say?? Do you not care about MY thoughts/opinions?” It’s like the focus has to point back to me and what I think and feel, instead of considering someone else’s predicament or side. And this happens with all of the people around me and I hate it.
I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that God hasn’t shown me why I am this way and angry that I haven’t grown out of it yet, despite the many situations I’ve been in where I’ve had the opportunity to practice grace and patience. In my mind, I’m not doing very well.
I’m continuously failing test after test and I’m just growing worse at it and my life feels like a broken record of failures and overreactions.
And I’m hurting the people closest to me. I’m ruining relationships.
Some of these are realities and truths, and some of them are lies. It’s hard for me to distinguish which is which sometimes, but I’m learning.
My team poured into me today as I word vomited through my tears: “You are growing. I’ve been with you 238 days and your growth from month one to month nine is exponential.” “You’re not the same person you were, and you are not defined by your past. Your mistakes and how you’ve handled situations lately does not affect the growth you have and the progress you’ve made.” “You’re bringing things to the light, where they need to be, and it’s good that you recognize this in yourself, so that you can continuously be growing.”
All good stuff. All stuff I needed to hear. But it still hurts.
I still hate how I affect people around me when I get in a crappy mood about something and when I can’t seem to be flexible or have a good attitude. Self-control is like this enigma lost in space that I can only grasp a little bit of for a small amount of time and then I lose it again and I don’t know why.
Why doesn’t it click in my brain? Why can’t I just be chill and trust that things are going according to God’s plan? Why can’t I have faith in the people around me, the people I love the most and who love me?
I truly don’t know. I don’t know why I struggle with this. I don’t know why it’s hard for me. And I hate it.
I fear that people will think I’m going around in this endless cycle of “freak out first, be OK in the next day or so,” and it’s just exhausting. For everyone. I fear that people don’t want to come to me anymore with a change of plans because I respond poorly. I’m tired of throwing people through a loop for no reason.
Yes, it’s OK to be upset about things, but the reaction is where I have a real choice to make. And I can choose to respond well, and place my situation and future in God’s hands and trust Him with it, or I can choose to lose my mind and hurt everyone.
I’m really bad at rolling with the punches initially. I’m great with accepting things after a day. But I super suck at in-the-moment stuff. And it hurts the ones I love. And I’m tired of hurting people.
I don’t know how to end this eloquently, but I do know that I need to continue to choose to trust the people closest to me, and especially trust that God knows what He’s doing.
I do know that God is continuing to put me to the test to grow my character. It’s hard, but it’s a process, and I can only pray that my people continue to show me grace, even though I’m bad at giving it.
Hit me up if you have words of encouragement or want to pray over me or have some insight into this struggle.
Thanks, y’all.
xoxo,
Maddie
