“I launch my bark on the unknown waters
of this year, with Thee, oh Father, as my harbor.”
I’m sitting in a coffee shop, sipping some Baba Budan brew and processing what this last season of my life has been. Last summer I returned home from Mexico with my sister, my soon-to-be brother-in-law, and my soul sister cousin. We have lived so much of the past few years together, working at the mission and vagabonding around Baja and all across the United States together. We are bonded together and I love them dearly. We rejoined family in Mansfield for an undetermined amount of time. Slowly as time and life have moved forward, these people have been carried on to new places and new seasons. The people closest to my heart are now spread so vastly across this country and this season has become so incredibly lonely. I haven’t been honest with myself or all of you. This season has obviously been so exciting, preparing to go to Africa, Asia, and the Caribbean Islands. However, I have been covering up feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and fear. I have felt very stagnant, yet, I know that God is still working in me. He’s changing my heart every single day. But Satan is also at work. He is tearing me apart by whatever means he finds to work – mentally, physically, and emotionally. There is literally a war going on every single day. I have gotten carried away with planning and working and basking in my problems and have lost my focus. I am sharing this because I desire to be transparent with you. You have been my supporters and encouragement along the way and I desperately need you to continue to be in prayer alongside of me. “Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan.” It seems I have forgotten to be in communication with my mighty Savior. How could I set aside something of such importance? Please.. Pray for the restoration of my faith and my focus. Pray that I would remain dedicated to spending time with my Jesus and that I would find rest in the truth of His Word. Pray that He would prepare me for all that I feel so severely unprepared to do. Pray that He would increase and that my selfish spirit would decrease. Pray that I would keep Jesus the center of all that I do. Pray that the chains of loneliness and inadequacy would never be strong enough to keep me down. Pray for healing. I think I have had an unrealistic idea about what this journey is going to be like. I know it will be wonderful but also am realizing how difficult it will be as well. I am leaving the comfort of my home and family and am entering in to lands that I know little about, where quite literally anything could happen. I didn’t fully realize all that I was going to be leaving behind.. not just material things, but more importantly, time spent with my family, my brothers growing up, my sister’s first pregnancy and giving birth to a new generation of our family.. life going on without me. My heart aches. Pray that Jesus would be my source of genuine comfort. But above all of these things, please pray that I would be willing to yield my spirit to His, always. This is my desire. This is my heart.
