Until last weekend, the past month has been much like a pitch-black tunnel. I couldn’t see anything ahead or any of the ground I’d covered behind me. I was crawling forward- the only direction I really knew how to go- yet pausing to pant, cry, and recover from bruising myself on the tunnel wall. Doubt enclosed me, probably shrouding any view of the tiny yet promised light at the end. My attitude and much of my thoughts and words were coated in icky, slimy doubt.
And I absolutely abhorred it.
This doubt unfortunately led me to curse the ground I stood on, instead of blessing it. It led me to hate my own flesh instead of embracing it as the necessary, earthly part of me I need just as Jesus Christ needed it (Jesus the man in flesh, Christ the Messiah in spirit). Yet thinking about my flesh, because I equated it with sin itself, made my stomach churn in anger and hatred. I’ve had to repent for hating my flesh and re-learn that flesh in itself is not evil; while it is prone to sin, flesh is the vessel now blessed and made new for His glory and purposes.
What happens when this vessel is emptied of darkness and filled by the Holy Spirit?
Honestly, I don’t know exactly. Because it’s always something unpredictable. All I know is that it always brings life and joy because goodness has to break out when Jesus is exalted!
And I guess that’s what happened last weekend. We had our second 24-hour Burn (ongoing worship/prayer) from Friday to Saturday, and Holy Spirit was just so good to meet me there. A shift occurred in me- one that words are insufficient to describe. In short, hope began to rise up.
There are deep soul wounds, some like bullet shots, for which Jesus is showing me I still need more healing. At the start of the Burn, the Lord comforted me with His tangible presence as He began to gently jostle those things deep within me, preparing to uproot them. I saw Him show up, confirm things, and make the impossible possible throughout all hours of the day and night. He was so sweet to give my spirit a lift after such a charged season of waiting. (Somehow months seem like years, don’t they? But I’d prayed for desperation and hunger… and He gave me waiting. Of course.)
I’m relieved and encouraged because since then, things have definitely not been the same. A new level of depth, desire, awareness, and freedom was awakened. It has lingered unrelentingly through now, displacing my fear that it was just a fleeting moment at which I’ll look back wistfully. No, it’s the start of another layer of intimacy. It’s the shedding of another old, dark layer in exchange for the holy garment of Jesus. Once light is shed, once a certain freedom is attained, it cannot be taken back. At least not without my permission.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. [1 Peter 2:9]
His light is indeed pretty marvelous.
Hope is rising!! It’s yours and mine for the taking. 🙂 Come join me!
