Here’s a confession:
I love being bossed around.
(Only by the Big Guy, though.)
And it’s because I don’t do well with decisions.
They make me uncomfortable. Especially when they involve equally awesome choices. It’s just a lot easier to be told what to do. Just tell me what to do and I’ll obey! Only because I know God is God and I trust that He knows what’s best for me.
But options? I’m not exactly used to those. I usually don’t have a problem trusting God’s decision-making abilities, but I definitely have issues trusting my own.
I know there’s grace and I know His presence goes with me wherever I go, but I’d rather choose from the start the ‘more blessed’ path of the two, the one ‘preferred’ by God.
So what happens when the Lord presents me with two clearly amazing choices and tells me to pick, not disclosing whether one is better?
You couldn’t tell me to go with my heart’s desire, because I didn’t even know what my heart’s desire was. I wanted both but couldn’t have both.
Lord, why did You invite me if You knew I wouldn’t be able to decide??
I later realized His response was, That’s precisely why. I’m empowering you to make decisions. I’ve given you freedom of choice. I love that you want to listen to me, but I’m telling you that I’ll bless either path you take!
His Spirit resides in me and guides me. So maybe not trusting ‘my’ decision-making is really a form of doubting Holy Spirit’s decision-making through me.
YIKES. Didn’t mean to question You like that…
This decision, one of the most difficult ones I’ve had to make, was much deeper than following my heart. When even my heart doesn’t know what it wants, am I willing to trust Him in me and through me? Am I willing to let go of the fear of missing out, the wondering about if-I-stay and if-I-go?
Being a slave to righteousness doesn’t only mean that I get to choose Jesus over not-Jesus and life over death. Choosing Jesus is only the start. It’s the door that only leads to more doors. In choosing Jesus, I automatically acquire a life full of good choices- ones that I actually can’t mess up on!
So I haven’t even told you what this decision is all about… But all my rambling just goes to show the crazy amounts the Lord called me out on and taught me in just the process, the invitation. (It seems His invitations are always loaded.)
This was my dilemma:
Remain in Gainesville for a year of CGA as planned.
OR
Join the women’s pioneer team for Kingdom Journeys (KJ), which is a 6-month journey overseas that launches in January and will focus on women’s issues.
I knew the Lord had called me to this season in the CGA of being in the Worship Track, learning in a more structured environment from wise and experienced leaders, and living in community. Not only that, but I’d actually craved teachings and discipleship. I’m not just doing it because I know I should, but because I really desired this. And I love it right now! Everyday I’ve been getting revelations and soaking in the presence and knowledge of the Lord. Everyday I get to sing my heart out to the Lord and play music alongside talented friends.
Most of all, though, Jesus called me to intimacy. And intimacy can take place anywhere. It’s just a matter of how I cultivate it. (Hello, freedom!)
Where He goes, I go.
Where I go, He goes.
Sometimes He visibly takes the lead and asks me to follow; sometimes He tells me to go forth with faith in the intuition of His Spirit. As much as He asks me to follow, He will follow me where I go. And He’ll be much better at following than I’ll ever be. I can never escape Him. Wow, how beautifully freeing is that?!
I usually sing, ‘Where You go, I go’ to the Lord, but He reminded me that He says the same and more over me. ‘Where you go, I go’ AND ‘Where you go, I am.’ He is indeed the Great I Am!
Slowly, I realized that KJ is an opportunity that I wasn’t sure I’d want to let slip. I’ll spare you from details, but there are a lot of reasons I’m going with it. As I began pursuing KJ, I arbitrarily asked God for 11 nudges and signs to move forward with this decision. In two days, He gave me 15! And then some more in the last few days. (A woman prophesying over me at IHOP-Atlanta touched me and started off with, “The nations are waiting for this one.” Haha! Later, she also spoke ‘Here I am, send me’ and a host of other things that spoke straight to my heart. I felt exposed, but in a good way.)
So now I can confidently say I will GO.
KJ will go travel to three countries, spending about two months in each. Tentatively, our route is: Swaziland, India, Philippines.
This Kingdom Journey of pioneer women will specifically involve women’s issues. Trafficking, abuse, identity, empowerment, among other things. I imagine us being on the front lines, fighting for women first through worship and prayer. Breathing life into dead places and hearts. Scaring off the devil by our mere presence- the presence of holy, powerful women- and equipping other women to do the same. Creating a dwelling place for the Lord wherever we go that will also be a refuge for women.
It’s all a major work in progress, since we’ll be the first team of women experimenting with it. I know it’ll stretch me in ways I wouldn’t be challenged here, which is exciting though slightly scary… As usual, I will do my best to keep you updated on what I know and experience!
And of course, this means I will be raising more support! I’ll need to raise $9000 for KJ, so here is my invitation to you, friend/supporter/blog reader! I’d love for you to partner with me in this next endeavor. It’s unexpected but awesome and I believe the Lord has really cool plans to use our team of Kingdom Journey women to carry a contagion of freedom to the nations. As with the Race and with CGA, if you’d like to contribute financially as a one-time giver or monthly donor, simply follow the link on the left- ‘Support My Kingdom Journey!’
The Lord has been impeccably faithful and timely with all my finances through the Race and CGA thus far, so I’m excited to see Him continue to provide in surprising ways!! I’d love for you to pray for me as I step into this crazy thing. Please pray for complete trust, increasing intimacy with Jesus, and unity within the sisterhood/team of incredible women I’m entering.
If you have any questions, words, or love to send, message me through the ‘Talk to Me’ link on the left! (: THANK YOU for reading all this.
I challenge you to take a moment to proclaim the freedom of choice God has given you, and thank Him for it! Emancipation rocks. I pray you steward that well and embrace it instead of resisting it like I first did.
[Edit: Speaking of freedom… I’ve since decided to not go on KJ, but instead to remain in the CGA for a full year. Curious? Read more here! :)]
