To reiterate what I said in my last post, I love the World Race. I’m thankful that I’m not the same person I was back in September, and that I will not be the same person this August. But I don’t just love the fun and music and laughter and Holy Spirit jitters…. I also love the tough stuff that makes me want to crawl in a corner but ultimately makes me bawl in front of everyone and face my problems so that I can let Jesus continue to heal and free me.
As the saying goes, free people free people. And I certainly want to be a free warrior and defender of the Kingdom. I want to set the captives free! But this journey of discovering new freedom has been one of the toughest things I’ve had to experience. It never ends; it’s an ongoing process. As long as I’m a broken human being, I need constant renewal and freedom. I don’t think this means we’ll constantly be bound by the chains of sin, but rather that we can’t let our weapons down. I’ve learned that freedom doesn’t just happen; it must be fought for. And even after declaring it, it must be claimed again and again and again, both to remind ourselves and to ward off the enemy’s attacks.
I was (and still am) in the midst of an ongoing struggle with identity. Who am I? Who am I uniquely? It’s often hard to believe that God wants me. I sometimes feel like ‘just another daughter,’ ‘just another servant.’ Was the Bible a love letter written for me? Such simple questions that yielded such great doubts in my heart. As much as I’d heard the phrase ‘Jesus romances you,’ I’d never quite operated within that paradigm of Jesus being my lover. In theory it sounds nice and … romantic, but what is romance anyway? I’ve never had an earthly romantic relationship, so I didn’t think that ‘romancing’ was for me. I’d always seen God as Father pretty easily, and that was my go-to depiction of Him. But I didn’t realize that God wants us to relate to Him in all ways- as Creator, Father, Lover, and Friend. We’re not exempt or excluded from any of them because of our experiences. And in thinking about this, I had an epiphany: My romance with Jesus should inform my earthly relationships, not the other way around!
So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I’m asking Him to romance me, whatever that means. I’m asking Him to show me who I’m meant to be. I’m desiring more than ever to truly love myself as His, because every single day Satan tells me to do otherwise.
Well, this past debrief, a squadmate approached me in a seemingly random manner. But it wasn’t random. God was pursuing me… specifically me! She told me that the Lord had laid my name on her heart, and He told her to write me a note telling me who I am in Him. We talked about it and the Holy Spirit just fell. The squad was having a dance party inside the meeting room while she and I sat outside, overtaken by the Spirit. I broke down in tears, and I knew this was an answer to the prayer in my journal, God, break me. Break down the walls. Show me that You care. My squadmate spoke truth and encouragement over and over, and I felt something in me shift. The words I’d heard so often, that sometimes annoyed me because they seemed trite and meaningless (‘You are worthy, you are His daughter, you are loved, you are cherished…’) actually held weight this time.
Coming out of that, I felt different. I felt high, renewed. I totally had the Holy Spirit jitters. I was completely filled with hope and joy. I felt like God would do huge things this month. It was a boost of faith!
Buuuuuut…
It’s not easy. At all. Honestly, it’s so stinking hard. Maybe Satan is attacking me even more because of that revelation, but I’ve been fighting really hard during our time in Malaysia. It’s a constant battle, and a few days ago, I had a breakdown in asking my team to fight for me. I had been drowning in negativity, and I needed support. I was starting to believe the ridiculous lie that I’m not meant for community, that my presence is nothing but bad! Deep-rooted lies came back to cycle and haunt me more than ever. How did this happen?! But my team was great; they gave me both encouragement and some hard truth.
This is what the refiner’s fire is. I’m living in it. It stings when the bad stuff gets destroyed, but I know it’s so that the good stuff can remain and grow!
