Before I left Bozeman, I heard someone say that I would fully understand what it is like to rely on the Lord during this Race. I mean, you can go on mission trips for a week or two weeks, maybe even a month and do it on your own strength. Will you be exhausted after? Absolutely, but it is still possible.
I thought I was relying on the Lord's strength a while ago. I mean 8 months? There is no way that switch didn't happen….
Please be my strength
Please be my strength
'Cause I don't have anymore.
-Gungor
I got to a point of absolute weariness this month. I just didn't care anymore. I was waking up every day with the obligation weighing down on me that today I had to make a difference. Today I had to make the King of Kings say “Well done!” at the end of the day. Today I had to prove my worth, prove my role, make every CENT of that support raised money worth it. I mean come on I am a missionary right?
In attempt to do anything but sit before the Lord and ask Him what my deal was, I began to read through an old journal that I had started before I left, and continued through the first month. One entry in particular smacked me in the face…
Lord, I never want to use weariness as an excuse. I never want to miss out on something because I am too tired or too worn down. I give you my weariness and my tired moments this next year. I have no excuse to be tired when I can rest in you.
Ouch.
Those are the entries you wish you could somehow erase… the “Lord break my heart for what breaks yours” prayers that you don't know what you are praying until the Lord answers it.
Why am I weary? Why do I feel the weight of expectation here? Why do I want to be home where I can just lay around all day and not feel guilty about it?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired and weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
-Isaiah 40:28-29
Perfect rest is found in Him who IS rest. Perfect peace is found in Him who IS peace. Who am I to run around in circles trying to fit a model of what I think life should look like when He is the calm and He Is the comfort. Why do I put obligation on myself when I am in Africa, when in reality, my call in America is no different.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
-Psalm 84:5
Our hearts are set on things that are above. Our hearts are set on seeing the Kingdom on the earth as it is in heaven regardless of what our geological location is. When I jump ahead to life at home, I am missing out on ABUNDANT life here and now.
You are a child of the King. Nothing changes that, mission trip or not. You don't have to leave America to discover how to rely on Him, and you don't have to look forward to home to have comfort. Your worth, you affirmation is in Him regardless of whether you lifted a finger that day or not. We have already been qualified to share in his inheritance (Colossians 1:12). The knowledge of who we are should drive us to serve the Lord, instead of trying to achieve the goal that has already been obtained.
At the end of the day, do I grow weary from expectation, service, and the general pace of everyday life? Absolutely.
Does my weariness define me?
I hope not.
Is there a different precedent at home than there is while I am away?
There shouldn't be.
Have I figured out perfect rest in the Lord?
yeeaahh…working on this one…
My mind knows what rest in the Lord should look like, but my heart is still catching up. Some days are great and some days are still heart-you van never discredit the highs and the lows. BUT while the lows are low, the highs are so sweet to carry you through.
