Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.
-Galations 6:4
I'm doing it again… comparing myself. I am measuring up what I think is successful compared to my team mates. Why is that? Why do I need a scale of which I can measure my worth? Affirm myself in my abilities?
I see skills and gifts that I admire and that I want…and I put a measure of worth and value on them that is greater than the gifts I have been given. As soon as that scale is set in place, I loose sight of my gifts and my callings and I only strive for what I can see, and what I can see is not who the Lord has made me to be.
The moment I don't measure up to my lofty standards, I see myself as a failure.
Why do I strive so hard to be seen… why does this “self” in me refuse to die?
And why do I keep returning to this same lesson over and over again?
It's a funny game comparison and we play it so well. We love to know whether we are on track or if we are headed in the wrong direction. We love our role models and our upright leaders who have paved the road in new and exciting ways. Who have fought for something greater than themselves. Role models are an incredible thing to possess, but we are NOT them. We each have a different path, we each are created uniquely.
I have NO idea what role the Lord has created me for. Every day I wake up and wonder if He is actually using me and if I am going the right direction. Sure, I can point out other people's giftings, I can see the Lord at work in THEM, but I am at a loss for what He is doing through me.
This frustrates me to NO end. I want to know. I want to have my moments of glory. I want to see fruit…really, at the core of it all, I want it to be all about me!
It's been a tearful night and morning or realizing that I am a lot more selfish and entitled than I would really like to admit.. and do you know what brought it on? Rest. Days of rest. I was not worn out and weary, I was not exhausted from ministry, I was in a place of complacent REST and the Lord knocked my feet out from under me.
I am so thankful we serve a God who is not content just letting us sit and stew. I am so thankful we serve a God who is not afraid to call us out in the midst of our pity parties and entitlements.
So, I give up my right to know. My right to have all the answers and to know exactly why I am here. I will rest on what I know He says of me:
I am beautifully and uniquely made.
He has a plan and a purpose for me this very moment, day and life.
I am forgiven for my selfishness, my pride and my entitlement.
He is working and moving in me and through me.
I wrote this about a week ago before leaving Phnom Penh, and the Lord has been so faithful in giving me answers!
He is a LIVING God who does not leave us guessing. If you seek Him you will find Him.
Guess what… I STILL don't know exactly what I am made for. BUT I am learning.
I am learning that the Lord desires to speak to me and use me for a grand purpose that I get to uniquely carry out.
I am learning that functioning from a state of resting in the Lord and being Lizi Clem is exactly what He asks of me.
I am learning that I am gifted, I carry a unique characteristic of God that is unlike anything else (and so do you!)
AND I am learning not to shy away from the authority I walk in.
And I-in righteousness will see your face;
when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
-Psalm 17:15
