watering with tears

I am a crier.
 
I realize this may not be a shocker to those of you who know me well, but for some reason my tears catch me off guard every time. The Lord has really been pushing on my water works lately and thankfully He has surrounded me by a team of men and women who are not afraid of my tears.
 
When I signed up for the World Race, I had adventure in mind. I knew the Lord desired the nations to know Him, and I wanted to serve and to help, but my heart had never been broken for His people.  I felt sorrow, but I did not fully feel His compassion.
 
What are we doing this month? We are sowing, we are constantly sowing.
 
A man with half of his body paralyzed, a women and daughter who lost their husband and father.
 
We are sowing. We are constantly sowing.
 
The Father’s heart for His children has been thick on us. Yes, the Holy Spirit has been rich in each of our meetings, but we have not seen the immediate fruit of His work. The man is still paralyzed, the women and daughter are still fatherless, but we are sowing, we are forever sowing.
 
You see, to plant seeds, you have to give them away. You have to entrust them to the ground, to be buried, to die. You do not see the initial roots push out, you see only dirt. When situations are most hopeless, that is when there is room for the most hope.
 
This month has been hard. We have been pushed and pulled from village to village, shared the gospel and prayed only to be met with eyes. Eyes that seeds have not been planted in, eyes that appear as if there is no hope. We pray and then leave. We are not here long enough to see springtime.
 
I have been constantly battling the lie that I have failed.  Let my team down, not done enough, not fought hard enough, not pressed in hard enough, when Jesus is crying to me, “Come to me, because I am enough!”
 

 
The kingdom is a process. We are all in process. The moment I start to believe that I have failed, is the moment that I have forgotten to trust in the Father. The moment I give into the lie that I am not good enough, is the moment that I have forgotten my first love and that all He asks of me is to come and be with Him.
 
I am not a failure. I am a daughter of the King who has emptied me of myself and filled me with His compassion. “I” cannot fail because “I” am not part of the equation.
 
You are not your own, you have been bought at a price.
 
So what will we do? We will keep sowing and sowing and sowing, because one day we are promised that we will reap with songs of joy. We will trust that God is doing work. We will have faith in Him and hope in His promise.